For My First Girl - My Threnody Jenae (sensitive material)

Eleven years since I saw your face.
Eleven years since I said "goodbye."
Eleven years of not being the same,
Since the moment I learned you were mine.



I never felt your breath on my skin.
I never felt your warmth on my chest.
I never felt the way a first mom feels,
The joy and elation, disturbing rest.

But I did feel you grow.
And I did feel you move.
And I did know your name,
Learning everything that was you.

All you were was everything to me.
All you were was my girl.
All you were was a moment in time,
You are still a part of my world.

I can only hope for forever.
I can only pray to be your mom again.
I can only be the best I can be,
So that I might be with you in Heaven.

May I be tried and tested and be found worthy.
I will always be yours, and you will always be mine.

I'd Rather Be Chased By a Man Than a Dog... Scratch That -- 1.3 of B210K

There are days, where although I have learned to love running, I don't want to go out. Saturday I wanted to sleep in. I wanted to make the kids' Fun Run an excuse to not do MY run. I wasn't loathing the idea of running, I just wasn't looking forward to it.

It was a really lovely morning. The temperature was moderate (for running), but the sun was still low, and it was peaceful out.

I was a pessimist because I had had such frustrating runs lately, but I prepped the best I could, including lacing my shoes loosey goosey, and set out.

I have had three wonderful friends suggest that my numb foot issue was because of a common problem of legs being irregular lengths. Fortunately I've already had my legs and hips tested, and much to the surprise of the doctors who checked (for my back injury in 2002), my legs are the exact same length. So I know that's out. I'm going with the too small of shoes, since I haven't gotten fit for running shoes, which you're supposed to buy a little large in case of swelling. My cross trainers fit exactly right for being cute little tennies.

Running into the park, knowing I had three loops to do, was both exciting (look how far I can run!) and hideous (look how far I have to run!). It was so barren and quiet. Where my virtual running partner, KNBO'R, comes up with lovely ideas of Harry Potter come to life when she hears a coyote, I come up with terrible concoctions in my head of attack by unleashed dogs.

You see, at this lovely park, there is a dog park that is very well used. Unfortunately for those of us who do not own/adore our four-legged comrades, it brings a feeling of unease to see dogs running hither and yon without leashes, in a public place. Of course if I ever have a dog, who I would know is safe, it would not bother me one bit. I must live up to my double standard.

As I ran, I jokingly thought to myself that I would rather be chased by a man (as in hubba hubba) than a dog. At that moment, on run three, finishing loop two, in the corner of my eye, I was startled to see a dog tearing after me! My heart went straight into my throat and I jumped off the trail to avoid the dog! Fortunately it wasn't snarling, or really "chasing", but rather "following" me. BLAH!!!! I continue running, the dog still following me. My heartrate returning to normal.

THEN out of the corner of my eye, I see something much bigger approaching! A MAN! Again, heart+throat+jump out of the way. It was a jogger. I swear. Maybe I need to change my music to The Carpenters.

The man was just a man jogger. I have come to learn man joggers must be men who practice for years on a treadmill before they go outside. Men joggers are FAST. And none of them sweat. And they all look like professionals. It's so rude.

The dog was still following me. Turning completely around, I see this poor 20something girl in flip flops, short shorts, and bohemian blouse, with long, dark curly hair and sunglasses (at 8am???), running as best she could after her little escape artist. Trying to call the dog off, and send it back, it was having too much fun following me. So I turned around and ran back to his owner, knowing the dog would follow me, but not listen to reason. Poor girl. (Yet I can't help but cynically think "why'd she take the dog off the leash at the regular park if she can't chase after it?" sigh.)

I finished my third of four runs, further than my other two runs, and feeling amazing. I don't know if it was the adrenaline that brought my second wind, but I was happy for it. I saw The Captain's tennis playing friends (from church) at the park, and waved.

And I ran home. I was part-way through my cool down when I realized what I did. I completed the run I didn't think I could do! 53 minutes start to finish (including warm up and cool down)!

I can't wait for week 2! As much as I dread always having to push myself and try hard EVERY day, I love learning that I can do this.

I loved that my foot finally didn't go numb.

I am glad I learned that I would rather be chased by a dog than a man.

I am thankful The Captain thinks it would be wise for me to run with mace.

I am afraid I'll mistake it one day for my inhaler.

HAHAHA.

Wouldn't that make a fun, horrifying story?

Uncomfortably Numb - 1.2 of B210K

I'm very proud of today's picture. hee hee. There is a story to go with it, but first, I would like you to take a moment for a sweet little chuckle...



After Tuesday's challenging run, I talked with The Captain about what I should do for today's run, children-wise. It turned out the only time I could go was in the heat of the day. Now given our locale, I *know* the heat of the day is some people's lows, but it's still hot for me. Plus, I never do well with evening runs.

I made dinner, but didn't eat it. It was great for my family to do something while I ran. I ate afterward.

I made sure my laces were nice and loose today, and during the warm up, I worried that my shoe was actually too loose, and would slip around on my foot. haha. I coped.

As I ran down the street I always run down, there were people out, more than normal. They were riding bikes, gardening, washing cars, watering their lawns, etc. Each one of them waved, and it was a great feeling. Entering the park, there were the usual baseball players, and some soccer players. Oh, and some shirtless volleyball players, but frankly, I was too focused on not dying while I ran to care. The Captain is a lucky man to be married to a girl with tunnel vision. ;)

I ran the first run, and the second, without a hitch. During each of the three loops (THREE LOOPS!!) around the park, I ran by two separate ladies who were dressed to the nines in jogging gear, with their hair styled in bouffants (both of them. not kidding.) with tendrils (to exhibit potential exhaustion?) gracing their cheekbones. Both of them, individually walked very slowly, and while I could be critical, at least they were moving! Good for them! But I must confess, it was good for a smile. Real running isn't pretty. At least on me.

At the end of the third run it happened again. My foot went numb. This time, my foot only went numb, and not the rest of my leg. That was a relief. However, knowing that it wasn't my laces, I am sure bothered by this. Especially being doctorless and insurance-less. hmmm...

I continued to run, not wanting a repeat of Tuesday. It was strange not feeling my foot. Instead of the impact on the ground, it felt like *thud thud thud* with each running step. I made it the third loop around, and got a high five from a fella driving his boat out. It was fun. And motivating to keep running!

I did take two unscheduled walks, and I timed them. One in the 3rd run for one and a half minutes(when I realized my foot was numb, and was deciding what to do), and one for about 45 seconds in run 4.

Oddly, toward the end of my run, I couldn't believe two things: How long it felt and that I did it!

Over the course of the run, the numbness went up into my shin, and then back down to my foot, and finally nearly gone, by the time I went home. I confess I was proud of myself for continuing, and hope I didn't make myself worse.

I enjoyed today, primarily because it was a trip to be running so much farther than last week, but also because of the people watching. My imaginary audience was good to me today.

I can't wait to go out on Saturday. I want to see if I can do it, with no walk breaks! And preferably, no weird foot issue...

A New Goal: Bridge to 10K ... Day 1.1

I have dreaded writing this blog. In fact, I'd like to just call it good with that sentence. But I will tell you more.

Tuesday I ran the first run of Bridge to 10K (B210K is how I will abbreviate). It is back to intermittent runs, which is just fine, since it's getting your endurance to an even greater level than Couch to 5K. The goal is to run 10K in an hour. I'm excited! After this, I'm training for a Half! B210K is only 6 weeks long, and should be completed by Labor Day!

I knew I could do this. I have been running, and much more confident about running, for a while now.

I hauled my three children to the grade school track, and let them play in the grass in the middle of the track. I ran into a friend (not literally) and realized that I really had to show my worth by doing the run RIGHT. I was walking the warmup, and my feet felt like lead. It was awful. My first run came, and I just didn't feel it. I realized I would be pushing myself through the entire 53 minute run. (5 minute warm up, 10 minute run, 1 minute walk, repeat the 10/1 3 more times, and then 5 minute cool down.) I ran and ran and ran. It frankly was all going well.

I had my new earbuds, from Skull Candy, and the left one is just a hair too big, but I'll deal. It's amazing the difference fitting earbuds make! WOW!

It was rather uneventful, except for trying to get Lambie down from the tree she climbed, while I ran. And reassuring Bear that he's awesome, even though he didn't complete the two-lap run with me that he wanted to do.

Then a good way into the third run (so about 30 minutes into my 53 minutes), my left leg went completely numb. I remember exactly where I was when it happened, it was a very quick transformation. I knew I had to stop, immediately. As I was walking back to the start, it got to the point I actually had to focus on making my leg work. It was awful. It lasted a couple of hours too, slowly returning to normal.

Looking it up, it was apparently either a pinched nerve in my back (SCARY), or laces tied too tightly (PATHETIC).

While I would feel sheepish about tying my laces to tight - likely since I paid extra care that morning - I would so much rather have it be a temporary issue!

Now, today is Thursday, and it's nearing time for my run. Week 1 Day 2. I am scared. I am scared I will be a disaster. I am scared all I can do is 5K, and I am NOT the runner I thought I was.

I guess we'll see. I am running in the evening, which is never a good thing for me. I need to get the negative thoughts out of my head!

The Ol' Girl On Campus

Recently I had an "a-ha" moment that if I was going to have a "better" life, it was going to be up to me. I know you all are so thankful for the opportunity to follow me on yet another emotional, life-altering journey.

In my previous life I had attended college, but neglected to finish for a few reasons. I started to go into why... and deleted it all. Too much drama! And really, who likes drama? Not this girl! At any rate, I am WELL into my Bachelor's Degree. In Geophysics.

After indulging (haha) myself in single-motherhood, and trying to find and maintain a job suitable to raise a family (despite my truly awesome resume) in the dregs of the economy, I found the NEED to return to school.

But do I do Geophysics, or do I do Photography, following my business I've worked successfully for several years?

Newly married to an incredible support (The Captain, obviously), and post-baby, I knew that the time for schooling was imminent, but I still didn't know what to do.

Then one morning at 3am, I sat upright with a clear understanding that I needed to do photography because I see the world differently than others do, and it is my purpose to reveal it to others. Don't get me wrong, I am self-conscious about my work, and have my doubts, but perhaps schooling will fill in where I lack...

Fast-forward to TODAY.

The University of Oregon loves to play on their "Duck" mascot. Especially lately. And while I've been a fan all of my life, I think some if it is a weeeee bit overboard. Today I went to an introDUCKtion. har har har.

Bear and Lambie were watched today by my friend-to-the-rescue-thank-goodness, SC. Peach and I drove the 1 1/2 hours down to Eugene, and entered the orientation hall. And there I realized it. I. WAS. SO. OLD. I am that person! You know, those slightly whack middle-ish aged ladies who raised their kids and decided to go back to school, and somehow know everything, for real, so you think they should get an honorary degree, but you really hope that since they can't, that they'll at least do REALLY well, so they can get a great job for the, what, 10 YEARS they'll be in the workforce before they have to retire... okay, maybe 15 years...??? Yes, I am that person.

I sat down with my wee babe, in front of a young couple... I saw a few people my age, or a little older, and then realized they were with their kids, who would be attending with me. Sigh...

Over the course of the day, I was almost dismissed from my workshop group because Peach had an increasing whimper because she wanted to nurse. -Luckily I brought my cover- As I spoke with financial aid, and learned so much, Peach began to cry, and I held her, discovering later that the Diaper of Doom had spread onto my shirt sleeve. I cleaned us both off (I called my husband to almost cry), and rolled up my sleeves.

I got my photo ID and got my handprint scanned for cardless entry into the gym/rec center. This was area number three, where I was looked at funny and was asked, "Are you a...student?" or "are you interested in this resource, or are you asking for someone else?"

hm....

I got so much done, though! And stayed cheery!

At one point I needed to go to the hall of my major department, and when I saw the distance I said, "OH WOW!" and the spry young chicken showing me the map said, "I know! It's really close!" hahaha. hmmm...

Peach and I enjoyed lunch, which is now HEALTHY and KOSHER and ORGANIC! When did college lunches get healthy? I had a full tray that had probably less calories than my 4 oz of Dr Pepper. But I loved it. And so did Peach! She had edamame, a slice of watermelon, pineapple, tomatoes, bread, corn, and green beans! Amazing. And we ate alone. Around us were bunches of transfer students meeting and greeting and eating together. I used to be them. But truly, I couldn't have picked a better lunch partner. I don't think any other person I know would have clapped every time I fed them a bite of watermelon.

I enjoyed visiting with the staff, who were more my age. And one of them gave Peach a cowboy rubber ducky, which she enjoyed very much. I didn't mind when one of the academic advisors told me of scholarships and services I probably qualify for because I'm not a "traditional" student. It made me chuckle to myself that the current college students working at the orientation would talk a little slower, or more animated, like they were entertaining the ol' girl.

I struggled with my schedule, being so late into the registration, but I am excited. I am excited that I was able to get SO much done before the term starts in two months. I am excited that almost all that's left of my degree is my major. I am excited that I've got my head on straight and have my act together.

My motivation is my family. I am not doing it to be social. I am not doing it for a NEED to be professional. I am not doing it because that's what you do when you're 20.... er... 30something. I regret that it's taken me so very long to get on the right page of life, but better now than later, right? One life, and I've wasted so many years. It is time for me to claim my life, and provide a great life and example for my children. Even if I am the ol' girl on campus and have nothing in common with anyone. It's two years of crazy commuting, homework, and nonsense. But I am going to rock it.

My Last Few Runs

I have fallen behind. I realize that running and planning and going on vacation at the same time does not allow much time for WRITING. It's a shame! There's a lot to say!

Briefly, week 8 day 3 went off without a hitch. I don't remember much... Maybe my running partner can refresh my mind?

Week 9 day 1 was the last week of Couch to 5K, and I had my first day of running 30 minutes straight. The goal was to run 5K in 40 minutes or less. This day my running partner, KNBO'R was running a very cool 5K in Davis, CA, and as she did for me July 4th, I ran "alongside" her. My time for 5K was around 45 minutes. This was surprising for me because it was about the same time as my 5K July 4th, and I walked much less. hmmm... I knew the next day would be better.

Week 9 day 2 and 3 were on a treadmill on Level 3 of the Hyatt Regency in Anaheim! Day 2 was awesome, and the 30 minutes of running went so well, and "easy", and I felt I could run forever! There was a hot running thing on the treadmill in front of me, and I had to remind myself to not let it bother me because she's probably been running for years, right? RIGHT? I appreciate the air conditioned room, filtered water and cold, damp towels available. And I got a thank you from other gym patrons when I was the only person who wiped down the treadmill.

The completion of Couch to 5K went without fanfare, and almost... Well, I wasn't impressed. I was still not quite at 5K within 40 minutes. Feeling graduated because I WAS RUNNING the entire allotted time, I was genuinely okay with it all. However, for me, I felt like the program was to train me to run 5K under 40 minutes. Not 4.8K.

Saturday, after returning and healing from vacation, I ran a bonus run, using my plotted 5K, and running my heart out. Honestly, it was a TERRIBLE run. I didn't run the entire time. My head was messing with me. I felt AWFUL. I felt I couldn't do it. I was frustrated and forlorn. I felt like a failure. But I really wanted to do this! I ended up running through the 5 minute cool down in order to make up time. With that, I did 5K in a hair under 41 minutes. I am a runner.

Despite the odds, I finished. I did what I set out to do. This means that I will run a 10K in an hour. It means I will run a Half Marathon in 3:30 or less and not get swept. It means I will finish college. It means I will do great things in my life because I can accomplish small goals that lead into larger goals.

Monday I begin Bridge to 10K. Who wants to join me for my journey?

The Coughing Girl

It is amazing how simply looking at this picture, I gag a little.

I have so much to say about finishing Couch to 5K (I have about 5 runs to blog!), and a trip to Disneyland! But all that seems to consume my mind is the onslaught of doctor's appointments this week.

Tomorrow, Monday, there are FOUR. Tuesday there is one, and then a pack meeting. Wednesday is something important... why can't I remember? Thursday The Captain is golfing, and then I get ME time! (THANK YOU!) Friday I have two appointments.

This week Bear does Occupational Therapy and most likely begins medication for anxiety. It makes me want to cry, but I won't. This week we learn if Peach will have surgery on her eyes, or perhaps corrective lenses, or patches - or nothing. This week we will learn if Lambie is getting her tonsils out. The poor girl is talking funny, coughing all night long, hardly sleeping, has had strep (or strep like colds) for the last two months, and has been on antibiotics for 10 days... I wish I could help her. I know the relief that will come from the surgery, but I wish she didn't have to go through it. I am concerned with the timing and school starting up.

Do all three children have to have so much going on at once? Why can't they be orderly and take turns? You'd think they were ants on honey the way they are with health issues.

Oh yes, Wednesday. I'm going to Eugene for orientation at the UofO for classes, for me, starting in two months.

Weeks like this, I hold onto the stability I have in my life - all that is constant. I am thankful for it.