Back on Track. Literally. or Workout 20 of 24 for May

You will notice it is May 31st, and I am somehow missing FOUR workouts for the month. Fortunately I feel guilt free about this. I contracted a common illness that I've never had before. Strep.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling like I had elastic pulling my throat closed. It wasn't scary, but it was awful. I knew that working out was not in the cards for the day. I tried coming up with different exercises that wouldn't add to the suffering of strep, but came up with nothing. I decided this would be some major time off.

This morning was the first I have felt mmm.... normal. I could breathe, although my throat was still somewhat raspy and sore. I was weak, but not extremely. Today was the day for me to run week 4 day 1 of Couch to 5k. As it was the week prior, the week's (scary) long run had become the short run. The breaks in between were vastly shortened. I was nervous, but knew I was going to stink at it anyway, because of my illness and healing.

And it was raining.

Peach and I loaded up, and after the school bus pulled away, optimistic, I started my warmup going a different direction, knowing that more running would mean longer distance, and my route needed to be modified. That has actually been an interesting phenomenon.

I do not have a pedometer, and have not found an app that is happy to work alongside my 5k app. I'm sure there is one, though. I have no idea how far I'm going, but every week it gets longer, and longer! That's awesome!

Before I knew it, my app said, "Run now". I obeyed. I started spacing off, thinking of...everything. I thought about my brother. I thought about The Captain working out of state this week. I thought about dinner. I thought about Lambie's fieldtrip in two days. And before i knew it, last week's "impossible" long run (this week's short run) was over. I felt like I was just warming up. It was a great feeling!

The breaks being shorter, it wasn't long before I was told "Run now". So off I went, for the long run. Almost double the "short" run. I focused on spacing off. And looking ahead for road hazards such as RV's, basketballs, and even sidewalk chalk and slugs.

The command to "Walk now" was a nice surprise. I was feeling amazing. I ran run three the same way. But I can honestly tell you that run four did not go the way of the other three. I thought about "Run four. The last run. I have a week to get this perfect. It would be understandable if I didn't rock it. I could walk through part of this one." It was shameful, but about halfway through, I walked for 10 seconds. And I realized something dumb. I was breathing just as hard walking (from the exhaustion of running) as I was while running! So I ran again! And after a while, I stopped. AGAIN. It took about 2 seconds before I started up again, and with just less than a minute left, I slowed to a walk. I felt ashamed, a little, but realized it's really okay. It's really, really okay. No excuses. It's okay.

The distance I added to my run is amazing. I am thrilled! I am excited that I was able to do SO MUCH post-strep and four days off. I am so thankful that I didn't let my workouts go by the wayside. I am looking forward to tomorrow's 100 Workout, and the following day's run. However, I fear it won't go as well as today... We'll see!

I'll Trade You 3 1/2 Pounds of Fat for 5 Pounds of Muscle

I am pretty sure I blogged about my weight gain a few weeks ago. I had been feeling pretty awesome about my fitness level, so I weighed myself and discovered I had gained over five pounds. Gained. I gained five pounds. I had been working out 5-6 days per week... It made me sad.

The other day, I measured myself for fun. I'm actually doing a monthly measurement and writing it on a measuring tape, then painting over the ink in clear nail polish so it stays on. I want to remember this forever. You know, a visual of my hard work.

I measured an inch less on my arms, but that wasn't new. I measured an inch less on my waist... nice. I measured an inch less on my hips! Nice! I measured an inch less on my thighs! NICE!!! I was really excited! Give or take five pounds, it's working!

So today, for fun, I weighed myself (after eating a sizeable dinner and dessert) that I've lost 3 1/2 pounds! And since I'm exercising, I know it was fat that was lost!

I started imagining a game of Go Fish... "I'll take your five pounds of muscle, and trade you three and a half pounds of fat..." Which turned out to be a pretty nasty mental image...

My body is doing what it's supposed to. Right on schedule.

Tomorrow I run. And I will run with a little added enthusiasm. This time next month, my clothes should be fitting a little better, if not a lot better. That's pretty much fantastic.

Corn on the Cob or Workout 18 of 24

...Raul peeled back his green shirt to reveal his muscular chest that resembled a delicious ear of corn on the cob...

When I was little I did not understand the appeal of abs. I thought it looked like corn, and corn did not belong on a body! However... I grew up.

Back in early '94, at my most fit, I had what is lovingly termed a "six pack". It was pretty cool, but like always, I didn't realize that I was so very fit. hmmm... Reminds me of that quote "I wish I was the size I used to be when I thought I was fat". Regardless, that time has passed. Is the new me going to have a six pack? I don't know. We have not reached that point yet. But.....

Some muscle definition is happening! Actually, it's happening all over my body! My bum, my legs, my arms, and yes, even just under my ribs. Miracle of miracles! I'm only measuring slightly smaller, and I weigh more, but I'm changing! It's not quite as drastic as Jacob, in Eclipse, or the Hulk... but it's happening!

Today The Captain and I even compared abs. haha. He was saying after the last week of tennis, he was starting to see some definition, and it's true! It's there! So I showed him my pretend definition.

Do you know what's awesome about that? It wasn't there 4 weeks ago, or even THREE weeks ago. I'm excited to find out where else this path is taking me, even if it's hard. I think the best results come from the most difficult paths, and the poorest results come from the easiest.

Today I did the 100 Workout with Lambie. I have been uncertain about this workout because I'm not sore afterward like I used to be. But I thought of something today... I still can't do 100 jumping jacks without pausing at some point, or do 90 crunches without wincing, etc. It's still hard. It's still a workout. So I'll still do it. If it ever gets easy, I'll switch.

Lambie didn't like the workout at all today. She would stop after just a little while, and declare that she won because she was done first. By the end, as I was doing 10 pushups, she laid flat on her face, bored. I told her she did a great job, and I loved that she was my workout partner, and she hopped up, beaming, thanking me for being a great mom. What a perfect ending.

Uncle! Uncle! or Workout 17 of 24 for May

Today I ran.

It was week 3 day 3 of Couch to 5K. For me, this was make it or break it day, since my "time was up". However, I know I could have done the day over and over again. I just didn't want to.

Both of my jogging jackets were in the washing machine, so I wore my windbreaker. It did the trick, including holding the iPod, but in no way did it wick away moisture. haha. At least I know it'll work in a pinch!

Since my jogging jackets were in the washer, I had taken out the inhaler and put it........ Yeah, no idea. BUT, I was able to get through without! This was huge for me! A HUGE SUCCESS! I remember learning in college Psych that asthma can be cured through hypnosis and positive thinking and visualizing. Throughout my runs I visualized the air filling the entirety of my lungs, and I made it through. When I felt the metallic taste in my mouth -which I have learned is blood from bursting capillaries from labored breathing- I ignored it, knowing it wouldn't kill me. It didn't.

Do you remember the pile of rocks? Well, the next cul-de-sac, beyond the one with the pile of rocks, had a HUGE pile of leaves on the sidewalk! I laughed as it was looking like a comic strip! I imagined cul-de-sac #3 would have a pile of manure, but I was fortunately wrong in my imagination.

With each run I made it through. I persevered, and I was pleasantly surprised. Do you want to know how I did it? How I made it through the long, long runs? I didn't think of fainting, throwing up, breaking bones, or dying. I made a goal for how long to run, in my mind, and wouldn't stop until I'd made that goal. Both of the long goals, I made to be kind of ridiculous. And I made them. Toward the end of each one, when I had enough, I would think (and maybe say out loud? I hope not, but who knows once the earphones are on!) "Uncle! Uncle! Mercy!"

Very literally, at the moment I felt I was at my end, that I could not take any more, "Walk Now" came through the speakers, and I realized I had completed the runs. To say I was proud of myself would be an understatement. I ran the entire length of a very long street! I genuinely didn't think I could do it, and I did! I hope it's okay to be proud of yourself. I am changing my body, and I love it. I love seeing results of my efforts, even if they're not on the scale. What joy I have that I have I not given up!

Look How You've Grown!

There is a phenomenon in my life occurring right now that I can't wrap my head around. Perhaps you can help me.

Various people who have only recently known me, have expressed their awe at how far I've come, or how much I've grown.

I'm not a person that offends easily, but I do not understand this. Who do people think I am? What sins do they think I've committed? How bad of a person did you think I was? To me, my pendulum did not take a far distance to swing.

I have always had a testimony of truth and righteousness. I have always wanted to do good. I have not participated in illegal crimes. My "dark years" were short lived, with minimal rebellion, or testing the waters.

Those who have commented, did not know me in my dark years, so I can't help but wonder if family has told potentially exaggerated tales of my lifestyle. Perhaps not? Perhaps it's perception?

Am I perceived to have been a poorly behaved person? Do I look like someone clawing their way out of the sewers of life and doldrums of society?

I know it's supposed to be a compliment, but I think the compliment is better suited for someone who actually has come a long way.

Where I have come a long way is with the suffering and sorrows in my life. I have had an unusually challenging life, thus far. And while some hardship came as a result of my actions and choices, most did not. I continuously, fervently try to rise above, knowing that the positive choices in my life and faith will get me through the ongoing struggles life enjoys to taunt me with.

But then, I rarely complain of all that's occurred. The pain, the sadness. They are mine. For these things, I have grown so much. I have become stronger. I have become kinder, gentler, happier, because I seek after joy.

My weaknesses are becoming strengths, but I am growing more from enduring the challenges that fall before me.

I will pretend, from now on, that when others see me as one who has "come a long way", that they know the trials of my heart, and see what has truly helped me grow.

Like a seedling in rich soil, I will seek after light to provide me strength, so the storms don't seems so rough. And with each storm, forgiving the harshness of its delivery, I will take the rain, and allow it to nourish my soul.

And after the storm, perhaps I will be able to understand when people proudly say to me, "Look how much you've grown!"

Lesson Learned or Workout 16 of 24 for May

When you run Couch to 5K, it is expressed repeatedly the importance of a "break day". Between your running days, you are supposed to take a day to either rest, or do a different form of exercise.

Saturday I woke up excited for the day, energized to run, to try to finally conquer Week 3 Run 3, so I can move onto Week 4. Keep in mind that I just ran the day prior...

I set out around noon, about 4 1/2 hours later than normal. I had a new playlist, which was a little more peppy than the one I had. I did not drink much water beforehand... Essentially, I welcome the fates to be against me.

The new playlist is like forming a new relationship. It was almost exhausting, but when I get the rhythm of it, I'm sure it will be lovely. The dehydration was a problem. It was warm out...

Of the four runs --two short, two long-- I took 10-15 second breaks on ALL OF THEM. It was utter fail. I was exhausted. It was so sad. It was almost embarrassing, but only I knew it, and now, you. The rest of the day I was in tremendous pain. My legs hurt so very, very much. And not just my muscles. My joints, my bones, my muscles. Pain pain pain. I suppose the rest day is to help strengthen what you're breaking down, and they are wise.

I still returned home, but I was beaten down. Sunday I took my usual Sunday break. And today, Monday, I took a break. Tuesday I will run again, with a more rejuvenated spirit, and sense of healing and ability. If I run week 3 for 7 weeks, so be it.

I've gained five pounds. I assume all muscle, since I've lost inches.

The best part about Saturday? I discovered kids chase babies like dogs chase cars. Since it was later in the day, I had a few little girls that saw the stroller and kept my pace around their cul-de-sac, in order to talk with Peach, and tell me what a beautiful baby I have. It made me laugh despite my frustration, and I was thankful.

My Body is a Wonderland or Workout 15 of 24 for May

The Captain and I love to make fun of the song "Your Body is a Wonderland". It's a terrible song, and we joke that the writer should have talked about how a body can be an amusement park. Kind of fun, kind of scary... I know, silly.

For years, and I mean YEARS, I have found every single excuse under the sun, short of "my leg is missing", to not run. As I had dinner with two of my sisters last Friday, JH and I talked about those excuses: labored uneven breathing, a clicking sound in the top of my head, hate sweating, bad shoes, bad knees, metal taste in my mouth, fatigue, and just NOT a runner, to name only a few physical obstacles.

Most of these I've conquered. I suppose one thing I've learned is an obstacle is only a wall if you let it be. And sometimes scaling that wall takes less than you realize.

Today my wall was very silly, and makes me feel like my body is a wonderland: The exhibit that wows and surprises audiences around the globe! A few of the children in my family were blessed with an extra layer or two of cartilage in our unusually small ears (next time you take a moment to look at my ears, think of the fact that I have some of the largest girl's ears in my family). Bonus, right? The benefit of this is no one can really tell... The downfall is they don't bend. They don't flex.

What in the world does this have to do with running? Let me show you:



EAR BUDS

With the invention of the iPod, a runner is taken away to another place, to find a beat to pace the running, their breathing. The time melts away, and the miles pass by with little notice. Brilliant.

With inflexible, little ears, earbuds do not, and cannot nestle snugly in my ears. They can not physically enter the actual area where earbuds belong. It's pretty sad. My options are either:

This:


or This:












or my current choice, This:











This does not hold the earbuds in my ears, but rather, balances them over my ears, so that music can be projected toward my ear canal. Good enough.

Today though, for some reason, the sport earbud thingamajigger didn't hold very well and the music came across as wa wa wa wa ya ya ya ya wo wo wo wo, etc. with a lovely whack whack whack whack sound with every running step I made.

Do any of you have a better solution? I need one. This doesn't happen every day, but oh my stars. Save me.

It's still not a huge wall to overcome. Just an annoying one. Like trying to climb Jell-O.

Today was week 3 run 2 of Couch to 5k. The runs are very increased from week 2, and this time, I did fairly well. Of the two long runs, I only walked 15 seconds of the second long run. I suppose that's fairly well. I'm trying to be okay with it. My friend KNBO'R did all the runs just fine yesterday, and I'm jealous. I hope that she won't feel bad, and do poorly for my sake when she runs again. haha. Oh well. I'll get them all Monday, right?

In the mean time, I hope those people, who live directly around a somewhat blind corner, remove the enormous pile of rocks they have strategically placed on the sidewalk. I felt like I was in the middle of a Road Runner cartoon. It startled me, but I laughed afterward at the surprise, as I imagined how that must've looked to the car driving by....

Karate Chop Action! or Workout 14 of 24 for May

Before we were of employable age, my dad had all of his six children own and work paper routes. I'm not sure if any of us has anything good to say about them. They just were... At any rate, one of the things that occurred as Spring turned into Summer, was the influx of spiders. Long before Buzz Lightyear, we developed this method of walking, the person taking a turn in front, performing "karate chop action!" to attack spiderwebs before they attacked us.

There was a point along my run, as I went face first into a web, wondering if I now had a spider in my hair or facial orifices, that I remembered the arm sweep, and realized that it was spider season...

Speaking of bugs...

I was increasing my run to the week 3 day 1 run of Couch to 5K today. Knowing I would spend half the day avoiding it, I decided I had to wake up and get ready ASAP. When I was all ready to go, and waiting for the school bus for Bear and Lambie, I started to get butterflies in my stomach. Seriously. I was so nervous I wouldn't do the run well. I was nervous that it would be impossible. That it would be too hard.

What I discovered was that it seemed to go by so much faster! In a good way! Run 3.1 is 2 minutes shorter than the previous runs, but you run longer. It literally felt about 10 minutes shorter. There are four running segments. Two short (the level I did for week 2), and two long. During the two long segments, I walked for about 15 seconds of the first one, and 10 seconds of the second. My shins were killing me at the end of it all, and the stretch was welcome.

It WAS harder. It was intense doubling some of the runs, but after this run, I realized I can probably do this 100% Friday, and that's a great feeling!

I have developed new-found skills such as getting a stroller up on a curb while running, drinking water while running, ducking under unpruned trees while running, skirting cars backing into me while running, and new, karate chop action! I wish I could put it on my resume... This is one of the hardest things I've done.

Ch-ch-ch-changes! Or Workout 13 of 24 for May

One of the biggest questions I'm asked, as I've been working out, is "have you noticed any changes?". Initially I think, nooooo.........

I still wear the same size. As far as I know I have gained a pound. I'm really just trucking along.

But then I think of what really has changed. I can run. A few weeks ago, I didn't think I could even run any distance, and now look at me! I have fallen into a comfortable level with working out. It's still not desirable, BUT it's becoming natural to me, a regular part of my day. My clothes fit... different. Different better. Somehow I fit into things better. I haven't lost any inches, except in my upper arms (that's fine! I'll take it!), but apparently the redistribution has helped me morph into a stronger shape of a person. I FEEL like a stronger shape of a person. I don't feel like a postpartum blob of nasty. I feel almost pre-baby, although I still retain some poundage.

Emotionally there have been changes too. My friend JP was telling me about therapy that is done for autistic children, helping their physical coordination. She said if they can make the connections for physical coordination, their minds can make connections better, as well. I have found that as I have made these goals, breaking them down into smaller and smaller goals, even so small as running to a tan garbage can I see far off, my personal life has become a goal achieving, organized life.

I have felt like I can DO things. Doing the Couch to 5K, increasing my running, and actually really really doing it, I have felt more capable! I don't have the "I can do anything" attitude yet. But I do feel like I can do more than I realize.

The endorphins are great. They help me clear my mind, and really see life for how it is. It's easier to let things go, because I'm not so wound up.

I'm eating healthier. It's not necessarily a conscious effort, but I like the energy my body has, and the way even my skin feels, when I eat healthier.

And I sleep better. Oh, so much better. Even if I wake up with my babe (A LOT), the sleep in between is richer, deeper. And I wake up without an alarm...happy. That could be considered a miracle!

All in all, there have been changes. Not in my size, but in my demeanor. And I needed that healing. If I didn't have that, how could I carry on with this?

Today was the 100 Workout day. I started it while Peach was taking her morning nap. She woke up, cruised furniture over to The Captain's laptop, and immediately started rocking out to the Gaga that was playing. I laughed at my little DJ Jazzy Peach.

It all went very well. I even did 12 pushups instead of 10, and added some triceps with The Captain's five pound weight. I suppose this workout I will continue adding to, maintaining the level of difficulty.

I forgot one more change... I lifted my leg the other day and something bulged out of my left thigh! It was a little alarming at first, until I realized (quickly)it was muscle! I was flexing my muscles! Granted I'm not Hulking out... But I'm getting stronger!

She Was Given to Me to Bring Me Joy

Sometimes I sit
and stare into her eyes,
I'm looking for something
that's hidden, impossible to find.

"You used to be so tiny.
You used to be my babe.
You still have years to go,
but look how you've already changed..."

She laughs an unaltered six year old laugh
and tells me I'm just so silly.
"I'm still your baby. Your big girl baby.
I just act much older than I am really."

What changed first?
Was it her hair? Her chubby cheeks?
Her round belly? Her padded feet?
It's been years, but it feels like weeks...

Since she was my baby.

She loves her shoes,
Her clothes, and fancy things.
She wants to wear makeup and jewelry,
updo's and skinny jeans.

I urge her to slow down.
"Enjoy being a child."
She agrees she will, but she longingly wishes,
that she could age faster, all the while.

I wish I could have bottled
all of her funny words and smiles.
But I still can look into her unchanged eyes,
and hear her perfect laughter...

my precious gift of a child.

Groundhog Day or Workout 12 of 24 for May

For those of you who have not seen the movie Groundhog Day, it is about a man who wakes up on Groundhog Day, goes about his day, and goes back to bed. He wakes up the next morning, and it once again, is Groundhog Day. He re-lives the same day over and over and over until he gets it right.

Last week I ran week 2 of Couch to 5k. It was... um... not awesome. I considered running the entire week over again, but then decided I would run week 2, day 3 over and over and over again until I felt confident to move up to week 3. Bummed that I wouldn't make the 9 week goal mark, I had to convince myself that confidence, rather than frustration, would ensure my success.

Prepared to do an entire week of 2.3 over and over and over again, I set off today, hesitantly, because I had hardly moved (except to put food in my mouth) all weekend.

Immediately I discovered obstacles. My socks. I wore little socks. What do you call them? Ankle socks? Bobby socks? They are shorter than ankle socks. And they started to fall.

It's amazing what you can talk yourself into ignoring, when you're determined.

Another obstacle was the rain, no, the pressure-washing that occurred right when I was ready to walk out the door. I literally stood there wondering if it was going to continue a while, or if it left, if it would return. At 10:15, I knew I had to get on the ball, if I were to return before Lambie's bus pulled up.

I headed out as soon as the rain stopped. It was actually quite refreshing.

My oddest obstacle was pain in my shins. No, it wasn't weird having pain in my shins. It was that I discovered that they were ONLY relieved through running. I'm not sure if running used a different part of my foot, or created a different impact, but it worked. If it weren't a matter of endurance, I would have ran the entire distance.

I did have some little joys. Peach was happy the whole time. I found a spot where teeny tiny pansies are growing out of the sidewalk cracks. Wednesday I will take a picture. "Here With Me" by Dido is a surprisingly great song to run to. You have to step in the offbeat to make it a perfect pace, but it's a perfect pace. In my head I'm concocting a great playlist for running.

That said, I ran every run, start to finish. The drooly, dorky smile that spread across my face, when I realized I had completely and confidently finished 2.3 was an incredible feeling.

I'm plum-tuckered out, but I feel accomplished. I look forward to Wednesday, beginning week 3.

Seeing Stars or Workout 11 of 24 for May

I have four rules when it comes to running. I saw a poster that said, "If you haven't puked(what a nasty word), fainted, or died, keep going." Plus, I have a friend, CB, who broke her leg running. So I have developed four rules with my running. If I throw up, faint, break anything, or die, I stop.

Today was run 3 for week two. It is the final run of week 2. The first two runs were okay. Not awesome, but okay. The third was a little tougher, and a person backing out of their driveway almost hit me. ARGH! It's amazing how many things you can imagine are headed right for you, when you almost get hit by a car. Scary business.

Between runs three and four, wanting to go home, but I was halfway done anyway, I reminded myself that I hadn't thrown up, fainted, broken anything, or died.... I would keep going. So I did.

I got about 20 seconds away from the end of run four, and it started. Stars. I was seeing stars. It didn't take me long to recognize the fact that if I fainted, I would land on concrete. Peach would be sitting there wondering what's up. I can't afford an ambulance, which would surely come. I slowed to a walk, and decided I would walk through run number five, and decided that was realistic.

Halfway through run five, I was much better, so I began running again.

Run six was awesome, and I felt good about myself.

That being said, I do not feel ready for next week's increase, so tomorrow I am going to run 2.3 again, hoping to leave week 2 in the past, confident with heading into week 3 of Couch to 5K.

I'll Never Be a PE Teacher or Workout 10 of 24 for May

"Today" is Thursday, May 11th. Blogspot is down, so I am recounting it for you. Unfortunately, a day late, this might lack the verve it would have had yesterday, the real 11th.

I had a busy morning. One aspect regarding what's going on with Bear, is we have a lot of appointments. Yesterday, I spent 6 hours just driving to, and attending appointments for him. The Captain teases me that I should hate my life. But, I enjoy doing things for my boy. He will grow up knowing I love him.

After the morning appointment, I picked Lambie up from Kindergarten, and we went home. I had a window of time before the next appointment, so I decided it was now or never for the 100 Workout. Lambie decided she wanted to work out with me. I would direct her "like a PE teacher!"

First, she ran upstairs to get into workout clothes, and returned in t-shirt and fitted denim skirt. Protesting fashion for the sake of realism, I insisted she put on sweats or loose shorts.

After she returned, we began. 100 jumping jacks. Lambie announced that she could do more than me, so she started going double time, kid style. If you've ever seen a kid do jumping jacks, you wonder how they can be coordinated enough to brush their teeth. I was laughing so hard, my abs hurt before my ab workout!

90 situps: "Look! My head is dancing!"

80 squats: "Uuuurrrrrgh. aaaaaaarrrrrgh."

70 leg lifts: "I think my bottom is going to split into two separate bottoms!"

60 jumping jacks: "Again?! Didn't I just do 500 of these things?"

50 situps: "I'll count, you just sit up."

40 squats: "Does this help practice how to sit in chairs?"

30 leglifts: "I'm so good at this. I can't help it. I have realllly long legs."

20 jumping jacks: (after 3) "That's about 20"

10 pushups: "I'm already really good at these, so I think you should do them alone." And Peach came and climbed up on my back.... er. no.

Jogging for 10 minutes ended up looking like a mix between jogging, dance party, a Ukrainian folk dance, and finished with her literally running circles around me.

The 25-30 minute workout ended up taking 50 minutes, but I haven't laughed so hard in a really, long time.

I realized I couldn't be a PE Teacher because in order to not care about perfection, I would have to be able to laugh. And they would all think I'd lost my marbles!

Sweat, Etc. or Workout 9 of 24 for May

When I was discussing with The Captain, prior to beginning my workouts, we talked about the obstacles holding me back. One was sweating. I HATE sweating. In all of my years of athletics, I have never liked sweating. I think it's nasty. I understand it's a necessary evil, but I hate it. I hate that it's sticky. I hate that it smells bad. I hate that I'm so good at it.

Today, mid run (2.2 of Couch to 5K), I admired how horribly sweaty I was. I know when I've had a killer workout because my neck is sweaty. ew. I don't understand why we have to sweat, but I understand it's healthy if you do.

Why doesn't it taste good, or smell like heaven? I am not sure I'll ever get over it.

It was a hard run today. It was about 5 degrees warmer, this morning, which apparently makes a big difference, and not just in the sweat department. Run four, of six now, I walked for about five seconds, and run six, I did the same. It is so easy to go Fight Club on myself, and beat myself up over it, but like KNBO'R reminds me, you have to let it go, you are still running more than you were. I am afraid that by my run Friday, I will not be ready for the next increase. I am contemplating running Saturday as well. So that Monday will be easier.

Not that it will be easy. Today, I had the priveledge of seeing a man dragging a kayak down the street. (I live near the river.) He was moving faster than I was. During my cool down, there was a man running laps around me, essentially, making the running appear easy. How do men do that? How is it so easy for them? It was frustrating.

As I reached my front door, I reminded myself of something...

I was running laps around people doing what I was doing two weeks ago.

Maybe one day it will be easier. Maybe one day I'll sweat less, or look amazing doing it.

My Real Workout Partner or Workout 8 of 24 for May

I have a secret. I have a virtual workout buddy. Well, she's a real person, but she lives 550 miles away.

I have known KNBO'R for almost 11 years. When we were new friends, we fell into the catergory of "thin, but think we're fat". Sickening. I remember how we would be walking around together and turn heads. Those were the days... In the course of these 11 years, we have collectively become, well, bigger. Less head-turning. We've tried working out together, virtually. Our first attempt, we would report our workouts to each other, which digressed to "Well, when I saw a cute pair of shoes, I ran up to them and jumped up and down. Does that count?" Jokingly of course. We know what a workout is supposed to look like. But we rarely got past the first week. If that far.

For one reason or another, we made excuses, and stopped. Always.

This time is different. I think this is why: Both of us had individually decided to do Couch to 5K. Both of us have absolutely had it with our level of unfitness. And both of us miraculously decided to make it happen, beginning the same date. No guilt trips, no reports, except the blog, just support.

We both have our obstacles. She is a single mom of one, spirited seven year old. I am a married mom of three. Both of us are outnumbered. Both of us have varying support depending on the day. She works outside the home. I work at home part time, and have a baby. So we support each other as much as we can.

It's been really helpful! Especially today when I was recognizing that I'm retaining fluid and bloated. She texted me: "your body stores more glycogen after an intense workout in anticipation of you expending more energy. It's most common at the beginning fo an exercise routine. It should ease off after a couple of weeks." She helped me fight my frustration by googling what was up, while I was not in a happy google-able state.

And today, before I worked out, and was absolutely dragging my feet, she texted notes of encouragement, and of course, there are her blogs about her exercise. I am happy to be doing this with her. It's totally working! I highly recommend a virtual, real exercise partner!

As far as my workout today, it was the 100 Workout. I decided today that my poor arms, although they've lost more inches than anywhere else on my body, were not getting stronger. I added 10 FULL pushups to the 100, before the jog. It was mean. MEAN. I would say I'm never doing that again, except that I must need it!

I am moving mountains, and it feels like it. I hope to see results soon, because this is hard.

Pause or Workout 7 of 24 for May

Run 2.1 of Couch to 5K was today. Just the increase in number (week 2), was daunting to me, and a non-motivated me would have quit right about now. Also, I knew that the run was increasing.

I woke up, got kids ready for school, and loaded up Peach in the jogging stroller we are test driving from KC. After we waved at the bus, I began my warm-up. The first three runs were drastically different than the first time I went out running. They felt like a warm up! It was bizarre, but they were almost effortless. Well, you know what I mean. It wasn't going to kill me!

At run number four, I was getting overwhelmed. I knew that the run had changed, but this was REALLY different. I took out my iPhone, something I never do, looking for how much longer until relief.

I had paused. the. training!

ARGHhhhhh!

The options were two: Go home, or keep going. I opted to keep going. If an extra 5-10 minutes kills me today, I'll never exert myself again. Simple as that.

I did it. I was pretty plum tuckered out, but I did it. All the way. No quitting. No stopping. No broken bones. No broken spirit.

I did feel pretty sick afterward though......

Which leads me to a confession. I am one of those people who are unusually clumsy. I have three fairly large bruises on my shins. This weekend I realized that they were not from running into things or tripping over stuff, like I assumed, but from running. I did some googling, and discovered that they are from overusing muscles that aren't used to it. So there it is. This is not fun. This not glamorous. I might have bruises on my shins for the next nine weeks. Gratefully, they don't hurt too badly.

There were a lot of good things about today's run. But the best of all was going to Sonic with Lambie, and ordering a large water. It's not that I'm dieting, but I did not want soda. It did not appeal to me. This is HUGE. And I love it. My skin thanks me. It's been one week, and I thought this would be a path of baby steps. But it has been a path of huge, huge strides!

Running in the Rain - or Workout 6 of 24 for May

I woke up early, to my alarm on a Saturday. I didn't even feel sorry for myself that I wasn't sleeping in on a Saturday. I put on my workout clothes, walked around the bed, and told The sleeping Captain that I was going to go running. Lambie was asleep in bed, and Bear was downstairs playing his favorite computer game. I took a puff of the inhaler, and set off.

Sounds like the movies eh?

It was really interesting running day 1.3 of Couch to 5k, without children along for the ride.

It was raining, so I was glad I was alone. I put the hood of my jacket up, and realized how nasty sweaty my neck got, which felt even nastier with the hood up. My face got wet, and I realized why runners wear brimmed hats. And then there was the hands... When I run with Peach in the stroller, I have something to hold onto, so I have something to do with my hands. I felt like Ricky Bobby when he's being interviewed, not sure what to do with his hands.
You know, that awareness you get when you're getting your picture taken? Once I realized I just needed to let it be, it was fine.

And that's when it happened. Pearl Jam. I LOVE Pearl Jam, but not for running. It's a wee bit too frantic for me. Note to self: Check the playlist. Then Celine Dion. Suddenly I wanted to climb back in bed with my lover (The Captain. duh.). And then Indigo Girls... I longed to weep on the shoulder of my bestie. It was official. I was on the WRONG playlist.

I decided to not thing of the music playing in the background, and I began concocting the blog in my head. What I would say, and in what order.

I realized, that although part of my motivation of running, was as therapy for the things in my life I grieve for, I have found that through my running, I focus on happy things. Goals, beauty, hope, friends and family, who I am, and who I am becoming.

At run seven of eight, I discovered something amazing. I was looking around at the world around me. I noticed raindrops on the tulips, and a funny little turtle statuette. I wasn't running for a goal, but just running. I had run without even considering stopping, for all of the runs, thus far! It was amazing. AMAZING! I was tired. Dead tired. But I was doing it!

Such a thrill! A very, exhausted, wet puppy, sweaty thrill!

You Want a Hershey Bar? or Workout 5 of 24 for May

My mother confirmed today that if I do not blog my workout, it didn't happen. So, she is siding with KNBO'R. I am really just afraid of boring you. I do more than workout, and I'd rather blog about my introspection or children. But here it is...

Today was 100 Workout day. It was my day off from running, and I actually WANTED to run instead of the 100 Workout. I started my day by going to a Mother's Day Tea at Lambie's Kindergarten class. It was very cute. I was wearing slacks, a nice top, makeup, my hair was done, I smelled pretty... I did not, DID NOT, want to get into my workout clothes, sweat, drip, ooze makeup, and have to shower AGAIN. So I stalled and stalled, and made lemon squares, and cleaned, and stalled.

After Bear came home I still stalled. When The Captain called to say he was coming home, I got my bum in gear. I was not going to let him watch me work out until I was at least a size 8. haha. I ran upstairs and donned the equipment. I put Pandora on, almost more for Peach to have something to dance to, than me to be distracted with.

Speaking of being distracted... Mother's Day is around the corner, and every year, it makes my children giddy. Silly giddy. They do silly things "for" me, because they love me. Today, Bear came home with goody bags full of candy from the bus driver, as it was her last day. (She's awesome.)

So, Bear, who is extra lovey... as I was about at 65 of my 90 crunches, mouth slightly agape, so I could breathe, shoves a Hershey bar in my mouth. I couldn't breathe! I had to try to politely, graciously inhale the chocolate bar, so that he did not feel his generosity was being thwarted.

I almost died.

Death by chocolate.

Okay, not really. But "difficulty breathing mid-workout by chocolate" sounds much less dramatic, or appealing.

The rest of the workout went on without a hitch. And my timer for the 10 minute run went off, exactly at the time The Captain approached the door.

I Got Nothin', or Workout Day 4 of 24 for May

My friend, KNBO'R (yes, initials) just asked me where my blog was. I feel like I have nothing to say. So I'll say it anyway.

I had scheduled to visit a friend at 9am, so my workout was delayed. I did, however, wake up, put on my workout clothes, and get prepped. When Lambie came home from school at 10:45, I dilly dallied for 20 minutes. Peach in her stroller, Lambie on her scooter, and I in my running shoes, went out for the week 1 day 2 of Couch to 5K.

What went wrong. Do you really want to know? Alright... One minute into the warmup, my shoelaces came untied. Next time, I will double knot them before I leave. Two minutes into the warmup, somebody stopped me to ask for directions to a location across the river. ...Which would have been easier to explain had there been a boat or ferry... rather than about 10 streets to describe. After the start of the first run of eight, I realized I didn't do the pre-run puff on the inhaler. hm. I still ran. During run number three, Lambie decided she didn't want to ride her scooter anymore, so stood there as I got further from her... we were on a cul-de-sac, and yes, I returned to her. During run five of eight, it started to rain. I actually discovered that didn't make me miserable. Which was a nice surprise. Between runs five and six, my water bottle fell, breaking in two. hm. Run six of eight, Lambie tripped over her feet on her scooter. And fell. It was just a little fall, but when you combine it with a little rain, and tired legs, it's very sad. So I did what I could for the training, and we headed home. I ended up running circles around my cul-de-sac to make up for the time lost, and I felt I did an equivalent of what I missed.

Sigh...

Note to self...

What went right, you ask?

I did it. That was very right. I also wasn't completely out of my mind exhausted, or begging for the runs to finish. It was awesome. I was much more resilient. I'm actually curious to try the next run, to see if I can do it.

And that's all I've got. If it's proof of tenacity, that's just fine. It was all I had today.

The Ox in the Mire or May Workout Day 3 of 24

There is a saying in my church about "the ox in the mire". What it means is, we follow the commandment to keep the sabbath day holy (refer to the 10 commandments, it's in there), but sometimes, rarely even, your ox is in the mire, and you must labor that day. I suppose that darn ox isn't going to get out of the mire on its own, and if it is IN the mire, it could become overwhelmed, discouraged, and frustrated. It could give up. It is critical, even on the sabbath, to get your ox out of the mire.

Today I was the ox in the mire. I did what I should, and put on my workout clothes as soon as I woke up. In fact, waking up was a treat. I woke up before my alarm, and felt rejuvenated. I had forgotten how awesome this aspect of exercise was. I had an errand to run, but I was home by 8:30. I ate. I checked Facebook. I rechecked Facebook. I announced that I was going to be exercising. I rechecked Facebook. I perused Pinterest. I rechecked Facebook. I didn't want to exercise. I was wondering if today would be one of my 7 days off for the month. I rechecked Facebook. And there it was.

Atreyu...

Do you remember in the Neverending Story how Atreyu and Artax had to trudge through the Swamps of Sadness? Atreyu begging Artax to not let the sadness overcome him? Good heavens, this is actually a great analogy for supporting someone with depression... Anyway, I felt like Artax, neck deep in mud, not really actually wanting to get out of the mud. My Atreyu was the responses on my Facebook post... AM, PS, JS, and MC were all cheering me on, offering support and encouragement, stating pride and enthusiasm.

Knowing I couldn't let them down, I did it. The 100 workout again. It was my "day off" from Couch to 5k. I did it in less time than the other day. It wasn't quite as much of a killer, but it was still tough, which was good. I discovered that I shouldn't look at the ceiling while doing jumping jacks because watching yourself get closer further closer further, is really unsettling. And I discovered I need to invest in another sports bra (sorry Mom, for mentioning undergarments in public) to alternate while one is in the wash.

Peach still danced to the music. I still smiled at the end. I feel stronger and leaner, even though I'm sure I'm not leaner, yet. I feel like I'm doing good. I hurt, and it ticks me off that I can't just sit among feather pillows eating bon bons for the rest of my life. But I will do it again tomorrow. Because I know who I am, and who I am is not an unfit lop of a person.

Couch to 5K 1.1, or Day 2 of 24 for May

I woke up sore from the day before. The best thing I did, to get going, was have my workout clothes out, and ready. I was planning on putting off the run, but I found myself at 9am ready to go. So was Peach. I put her in her stroller, and off we went!

I hated it. I'm not a runner. My friend, JN, and I have had conversations of admiring runners bodies, and wanting to love running. I remember the last time I loved running... I was in 8th grade, and I ran with a girl named Monique. She and I talked and ran, and I completely lost track of time. We ran 3 miles, with an average of 6 minutes per mile. I have not liked running since that day. At all. Ever.

So today was like torture. I didn't smile once. I felt like my face moved up and down when I ran, and I don't have a fat face. The thump thump thump almost drowned out my iPod, so I turned up the music. I crashed the poor, non-jogging, stroller into the curb, almost creating an end to my newly begun self-infliction. I almost stopped through two of the run periods, but didn't. And run period 7 of 8, I slowed to a walk with 20 seconds left. I began to mentally beat myself up, but decided I had run much, much farther than I thought I could, so it was okay. And I ran through run 8.

Peach didn't cry, but fell asleep, making me think maybe I non-jogging stroller is okay. I took a puff of the inhaler before I took off, making it leagues easier than it ever has been before. Running without a burning chest, taking full breaths, without wheezing... It's a new world! This is something I have only recently learned about me, and now that I know it, I think it could have helped my endurance in the other many sports I enjoyed as a youth. I never thought the words "walk now" would have such a Pavlovian influence on my inner peace, as they do now. I felt success when I made it halfway. I felt success when I received the indicator, "one more minute". And I almost (if I could have) jumped for joy as I walked up to my front door, as the training ended.

How do I feel? Awful. Do I love it? NO. Am I going to do it again? YES. In two days. Tomorrow I do the 100 workout again.

After all, I haven't thrown up, passed out, broken a limb, or died. So I guess I keep going...

I Never Saw Myself as a Hurdler

Day 1 of 24. I'm blogging it, so apparently that means it's going to happen. And you lucky folk, you get to read about it. My friend, MC, has started doing a monthly workout goal. For April it was 22/30 days. May is 24/31. I energetically said I would join her. Part of my brain shouts "Are you CRAZY?!", while the other part of my brain says, "This is what you need!"

The battle between the angel and devil on my shoulders became almost deafening.

I rarely cry at movies anymore, I rarely cry when I'm in an argument, anymore. I didn't even cry when I burnt all goodness out of my thumb (future blog. oh goodie.). But the other day, The Captain wanted to get me a shirt, because I have few clothes, and I cried right there in the middle of the store because of how I look. I do not look *bad*, but do not think I'm vain. Somewhere in the last ten years I have relinquished control of my body.

I used to play baseball. I used to play basketball. I used to do 100 pushups a day and have a six pack. My brother and I used to mess with my thigh muscles at my knee line while we were not paying attention at church.

I have had four babies. While it's not an excuse, it is an excuse. You hand over control of your body, your metabolism, your energy to baby making and milk producing. It has been a precious gift to be able to have sweet children, and nourish their infant bodies, but it comes at a price. A price I was willing to pay.

I have come to claim my body back! Yes, it's only day 1. But I DID day 1! I completed it! The workout is in the picture, and for someone who hasn't worked out hardcore for a couple of years, this was intense.

My body jiggled more than I'd like while I did jumping jacks. My exercise induced asthma lead to wheezing twice during. I realized that counting up made it easy to think "I've done 85 jumping jacks. Isn't that enough?", so I had to count down. My knees hurt. My sinuses got grouchy. I sweated like a pig. I felt it was unfair. I felt it was impossible. I felt like I should have cut the exercise in half. I felt I should stop early. My baby was underfoot because her nap was shorter than normal. I didn't know how I was going to do it.

I did it.

All of it.

Black Eyed Peas radio on Pandora, my babe baby-bounced to the beat almost the entire time, and smiled at me. I pretended she was cheering me on. I pretended this was one day of teaching healthy habits. By the time I got to 20 jumping jacks, I was smiling. I was doing it. I was going to do it! I felt taller. I felt thinner. I know I'm not. But I felt like I had righted my course, and found the path that led to fitness and self-esteem. Tomorrow is going to hurt, and I will need to exercise to get out the toxins. My confidence is greater than it was yesterday. And if that's the only good that comes of it, that's enough.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, put on my jogging suit, and do it again. I will conquer my mental and physical hurdles, and I will come out smiling in the end.

Today was taking ownership of my life. I am reclaiming my body.