For My First Girl - My Threnody Jenae (sensitive material)

Eleven years since I saw your face.
Eleven years since I said "goodbye."
Eleven years of not being the same,
Since the moment I learned you were mine.



I never felt your breath on my skin.
I never felt your warmth on my chest.
I never felt the way a first mom feels,
The joy and elation, disturbing rest.

But I did feel you grow.
And I did feel you move.
And I did know your name,
Learning everything that was you.

All you were was everything to me.
All you were was my girl.
All you were was a moment in time,
You are still a part of my world.

I can only hope for forever.
I can only pray to be your mom again.
I can only be the best I can be,
So that I might be with you in Heaven.

May I be tried and tested and be found worthy.
I will always be yours, and you will always be mine.

I'd Rather Be Chased By a Man Than a Dog... Scratch That -- 1.3 of B210K

There are days, where although I have learned to love running, I don't want to go out. Saturday I wanted to sleep in. I wanted to make the kids' Fun Run an excuse to not do MY run. I wasn't loathing the idea of running, I just wasn't looking forward to it.

It was a really lovely morning. The temperature was moderate (for running), but the sun was still low, and it was peaceful out.

I was a pessimist because I had had such frustrating runs lately, but I prepped the best I could, including lacing my shoes loosey goosey, and set out.

I have had three wonderful friends suggest that my numb foot issue was because of a common problem of legs being irregular lengths. Fortunately I've already had my legs and hips tested, and much to the surprise of the doctors who checked (for my back injury in 2002), my legs are the exact same length. So I know that's out. I'm going with the too small of shoes, since I haven't gotten fit for running shoes, which you're supposed to buy a little large in case of swelling. My cross trainers fit exactly right for being cute little tennies.

Running into the park, knowing I had three loops to do, was both exciting (look how far I can run!) and hideous (look how far I have to run!). It was so barren and quiet. Where my virtual running partner, KNBO'R, comes up with lovely ideas of Harry Potter come to life when she hears a coyote, I come up with terrible concoctions in my head of attack by unleashed dogs.

You see, at this lovely park, there is a dog park that is very well used. Unfortunately for those of us who do not own/adore our four-legged comrades, it brings a feeling of unease to see dogs running hither and yon without leashes, in a public place. Of course if I ever have a dog, who I would know is safe, it would not bother me one bit. I must live up to my double standard.

As I ran, I jokingly thought to myself that I would rather be chased by a man (as in hubba hubba) than a dog. At that moment, on run three, finishing loop two, in the corner of my eye, I was startled to see a dog tearing after me! My heart went straight into my throat and I jumped off the trail to avoid the dog! Fortunately it wasn't snarling, or really "chasing", but rather "following" me. BLAH!!!! I continue running, the dog still following me. My heartrate returning to normal.

THEN out of the corner of my eye, I see something much bigger approaching! A MAN! Again, heart+throat+jump out of the way. It was a jogger. I swear. Maybe I need to change my music to The Carpenters.

The man was just a man jogger. I have come to learn man joggers must be men who practice for years on a treadmill before they go outside. Men joggers are FAST. And none of them sweat. And they all look like professionals. It's so rude.

The dog was still following me. Turning completely around, I see this poor 20something girl in flip flops, short shorts, and bohemian blouse, with long, dark curly hair and sunglasses (at 8am???), running as best she could after her little escape artist. Trying to call the dog off, and send it back, it was having too much fun following me. So I turned around and ran back to his owner, knowing the dog would follow me, but not listen to reason. Poor girl. (Yet I can't help but cynically think "why'd she take the dog off the leash at the regular park if she can't chase after it?" sigh.)

I finished my third of four runs, further than my other two runs, and feeling amazing. I don't know if it was the adrenaline that brought my second wind, but I was happy for it. I saw The Captain's tennis playing friends (from church) at the park, and waved.

And I ran home. I was part-way through my cool down when I realized what I did. I completed the run I didn't think I could do! 53 minutes start to finish (including warm up and cool down)!

I can't wait for week 2! As much as I dread always having to push myself and try hard EVERY day, I love learning that I can do this.

I loved that my foot finally didn't go numb.

I am glad I learned that I would rather be chased by a dog than a man.

I am thankful The Captain thinks it would be wise for me to run with mace.

I am afraid I'll mistake it one day for my inhaler.

HAHAHA.

Wouldn't that make a fun, horrifying story?

Uncomfortably Numb - 1.2 of B210K

I'm very proud of today's picture. hee hee. There is a story to go with it, but first, I would like you to take a moment for a sweet little chuckle...



After Tuesday's challenging run, I talked with The Captain about what I should do for today's run, children-wise. It turned out the only time I could go was in the heat of the day. Now given our locale, I *know* the heat of the day is some people's lows, but it's still hot for me. Plus, I never do well with evening runs.

I made dinner, but didn't eat it. It was great for my family to do something while I ran. I ate afterward.

I made sure my laces were nice and loose today, and during the warm up, I worried that my shoe was actually too loose, and would slip around on my foot. haha. I coped.

As I ran down the street I always run down, there were people out, more than normal. They were riding bikes, gardening, washing cars, watering their lawns, etc. Each one of them waved, and it was a great feeling. Entering the park, there were the usual baseball players, and some soccer players. Oh, and some shirtless volleyball players, but frankly, I was too focused on not dying while I ran to care. The Captain is a lucky man to be married to a girl with tunnel vision. ;)

I ran the first run, and the second, without a hitch. During each of the three loops (THREE LOOPS!!) around the park, I ran by two separate ladies who were dressed to the nines in jogging gear, with their hair styled in bouffants (both of them. not kidding.) with tendrils (to exhibit potential exhaustion?) gracing their cheekbones. Both of them, individually walked very slowly, and while I could be critical, at least they were moving! Good for them! But I must confess, it was good for a smile. Real running isn't pretty. At least on me.

At the end of the third run it happened again. My foot went numb. This time, my foot only went numb, and not the rest of my leg. That was a relief. However, knowing that it wasn't my laces, I am sure bothered by this. Especially being doctorless and insurance-less. hmmm...

I continued to run, not wanting a repeat of Tuesday. It was strange not feeling my foot. Instead of the impact on the ground, it felt like *thud thud thud* with each running step. I made it the third loop around, and got a high five from a fella driving his boat out. It was fun. And motivating to keep running!

I did take two unscheduled walks, and I timed them. One in the 3rd run for one and a half minutes(when I realized my foot was numb, and was deciding what to do), and one for about 45 seconds in run 4.

Oddly, toward the end of my run, I couldn't believe two things: How long it felt and that I did it!

Over the course of the run, the numbness went up into my shin, and then back down to my foot, and finally nearly gone, by the time I went home. I confess I was proud of myself for continuing, and hope I didn't make myself worse.

I enjoyed today, primarily because it was a trip to be running so much farther than last week, but also because of the people watching. My imaginary audience was good to me today.

I can't wait to go out on Saturday. I want to see if I can do it, with no walk breaks! And preferably, no weird foot issue...

A New Goal: Bridge to 10K ... Day 1.1

I have dreaded writing this blog. In fact, I'd like to just call it good with that sentence. But I will tell you more.

Tuesday I ran the first run of Bridge to 10K (B210K is how I will abbreviate). It is back to intermittent runs, which is just fine, since it's getting your endurance to an even greater level than Couch to 5K. The goal is to run 10K in an hour. I'm excited! After this, I'm training for a Half! B210K is only 6 weeks long, and should be completed by Labor Day!

I knew I could do this. I have been running, and much more confident about running, for a while now.

I hauled my three children to the grade school track, and let them play in the grass in the middle of the track. I ran into a friend (not literally) and realized that I really had to show my worth by doing the run RIGHT. I was walking the warmup, and my feet felt like lead. It was awful. My first run came, and I just didn't feel it. I realized I would be pushing myself through the entire 53 minute run. (5 minute warm up, 10 minute run, 1 minute walk, repeat the 10/1 3 more times, and then 5 minute cool down.) I ran and ran and ran. It frankly was all going well.

I had my new earbuds, from Skull Candy, and the left one is just a hair too big, but I'll deal. It's amazing the difference fitting earbuds make! WOW!

It was rather uneventful, except for trying to get Lambie down from the tree she climbed, while I ran. And reassuring Bear that he's awesome, even though he didn't complete the two-lap run with me that he wanted to do.

Then a good way into the third run (so about 30 minutes into my 53 minutes), my left leg went completely numb. I remember exactly where I was when it happened, it was a very quick transformation. I knew I had to stop, immediately. As I was walking back to the start, it got to the point I actually had to focus on making my leg work. It was awful. It lasted a couple of hours too, slowly returning to normal.

Looking it up, it was apparently either a pinched nerve in my back (SCARY), or laces tied too tightly (PATHETIC).

While I would feel sheepish about tying my laces to tight - likely since I paid extra care that morning - I would so much rather have it be a temporary issue!

Now, today is Thursday, and it's nearing time for my run. Week 1 Day 2. I am scared. I am scared I will be a disaster. I am scared all I can do is 5K, and I am NOT the runner I thought I was.

I guess we'll see. I am running in the evening, which is never a good thing for me. I need to get the negative thoughts out of my head!

The Ol' Girl On Campus

Recently I had an "a-ha" moment that if I was going to have a "better" life, it was going to be up to me. I know you all are so thankful for the opportunity to follow me on yet another emotional, life-altering journey.

In my previous life I had attended college, but neglected to finish for a few reasons. I started to go into why... and deleted it all. Too much drama! And really, who likes drama? Not this girl! At any rate, I am WELL into my Bachelor's Degree. In Geophysics.

After indulging (haha) myself in single-motherhood, and trying to find and maintain a job suitable to raise a family (despite my truly awesome resume) in the dregs of the economy, I found the NEED to return to school.

But do I do Geophysics, or do I do Photography, following my business I've worked successfully for several years?

Newly married to an incredible support (The Captain, obviously), and post-baby, I knew that the time for schooling was imminent, but I still didn't know what to do.

Then one morning at 3am, I sat upright with a clear understanding that I needed to do photography because I see the world differently than others do, and it is my purpose to reveal it to others. Don't get me wrong, I am self-conscious about my work, and have my doubts, but perhaps schooling will fill in where I lack...

Fast-forward to TODAY.

The University of Oregon loves to play on their "Duck" mascot. Especially lately. And while I've been a fan all of my life, I think some if it is a weeeee bit overboard. Today I went to an introDUCKtion. har har har.

Bear and Lambie were watched today by my friend-to-the-rescue-thank-goodness, SC. Peach and I drove the 1 1/2 hours down to Eugene, and entered the orientation hall. And there I realized it. I. WAS. SO. OLD. I am that person! You know, those slightly whack middle-ish aged ladies who raised their kids and decided to go back to school, and somehow know everything, for real, so you think they should get an honorary degree, but you really hope that since they can't, that they'll at least do REALLY well, so they can get a great job for the, what, 10 YEARS they'll be in the workforce before they have to retire... okay, maybe 15 years...??? Yes, I am that person.

I sat down with my wee babe, in front of a young couple... I saw a few people my age, or a little older, and then realized they were with their kids, who would be attending with me. Sigh...

Over the course of the day, I was almost dismissed from my workshop group because Peach had an increasing whimper because she wanted to nurse. -Luckily I brought my cover- As I spoke with financial aid, and learned so much, Peach began to cry, and I held her, discovering later that the Diaper of Doom had spread onto my shirt sleeve. I cleaned us both off (I called my husband to almost cry), and rolled up my sleeves.

I got my photo ID and got my handprint scanned for cardless entry into the gym/rec center. This was area number three, where I was looked at funny and was asked, "Are you a...student?" or "are you interested in this resource, or are you asking for someone else?"

hm....

I got so much done, though! And stayed cheery!

At one point I needed to go to the hall of my major department, and when I saw the distance I said, "OH WOW!" and the spry young chicken showing me the map said, "I know! It's really close!" hahaha. hmmm...

Peach and I enjoyed lunch, which is now HEALTHY and KOSHER and ORGANIC! When did college lunches get healthy? I had a full tray that had probably less calories than my 4 oz of Dr Pepper. But I loved it. And so did Peach! She had edamame, a slice of watermelon, pineapple, tomatoes, bread, corn, and green beans! Amazing. And we ate alone. Around us were bunches of transfer students meeting and greeting and eating together. I used to be them. But truly, I couldn't have picked a better lunch partner. I don't think any other person I know would have clapped every time I fed them a bite of watermelon.

I enjoyed visiting with the staff, who were more my age. And one of them gave Peach a cowboy rubber ducky, which she enjoyed very much. I didn't mind when one of the academic advisors told me of scholarships and services I probably qualify for because I'm not a "traditional" student. It made me chuckle to myself that the current college students working at the orientation would talk a little slower, or more animated, like they were entertaining the ol' girl.

I struggled with my schedule, being so late into the registration, but I am excited. I am excited that I was able to get SO much done before the term starts in two months. I am excited that almost all that's left of my degree is my major. I am excited that I've got my head on straight and have my act together.

My motivation is my family. I am not doing it to be social. I am not doing it for a NEED to be professional. I am not doing it because that's what you do when you're 20.... er... 30something. I regret that it's taken me so very long to get on the right page of life, but better now than later, right? One life, and I've wasted so many years. It is time for me to claim my life, and provide a great life and example for my children. Even if I am the ol' girl on campus and have nothing in common with anyone. It's two years of crazy commuting, homework, and nonsense. But I am going to rock it.

My Last Few Runs

I have fallen behind. I realize that running and planning and going on vacation at the same time does not allow much time for WRITING. It's a shame! There's a lot to say!

Briefly, week 8 day 3 went off without a hitch. I don't remember much... Maybe my running partner can refresh my mind?

Week 9 day 1 was the last week of Couch to 5K, and I had my first day of running 30 minutes straight. The goal was to run 5K in 40 minutes or less. This day my running partner, KNBO'R was running a very cool 5K in Davis, CA, and as she did for me July 4th, I ran "alongside" her. My time for 5K was around 45 minutes. This was surprising for me because it was about the same time as my 5K July 4th, and I walked much less. hmmm... I knew the next day would be better.

Week 9 day 2 and 3 were on a treadmill on Level 3 of the Hyatt Regency in Anaheim! Day 2 was awesome, and the 30 minutes of running went so well, and "easy", and I felt I could run forever! There was a hot running thing on the treadmill in front of me, and I had to remind myself to not let it bother me because she's probably been running for years, right? RIGHT? I appreciate the air conditioned room, filtered water and cold, damp towels available. And I got a thank you from other gym patrons when I was the only person who wiped down the treadmill.

The completion of Couch to 5K went without fanfare, and almost... Well, I wasn't impressed. I was still not quite at 5K within 40 minutes. Feeling graduated because I WAS RUNNING the entire allotted time, I was genuinely okay with it all. However, for me, I felt like the program was to train me to run 5K under 40 minutes. Not 4.8K.

Saturday, after returning and healing from vacation, I ran a bonus run, using my plotted 5K, and running my heart out. Honestly, it was a TERRIBLE run. I didn't run the entire time. My head was messing with me. I felt AWFUL. I felt I couldn't do it. I was frustrated and forlorn. I felt like a failure. But I really wanted to do this! I ended up running through the 5 minute cool down in order to make up time. With that, I did 5K in a hair under 41 minutes. I am a runner.

Despite the odds, I finished. I did what I set out to do. This means that I will run a 10K in an hour. It means I will run a Half Marathon in 3:30 or less and not get swept. It means I will finish college. It means I will do great things in my life because I can accomplish small goals that lead into larger goals.

Monday I begin Bridge to 10K. Who wants to join me for my journey?

The Coughing Girl

It is amazing how simply looking at this picture, I gag a little.

I have so much to say about finishing Couch to 5K (I have about 5 runs to blog!), and a trip to Disneyland! But all that seems to consume my mind is the onslaught of doctor's appointments this week.

Tomorrow, Monday, there are FOUR. Tuesday there is one, and then a pack meeting. Wednesday is something important... why can't I remember? Thursday The Captain is golfing, and then I get ME time! (THANK YOU!) Friday I have two appointments.

This week Bear does Occupational Therapy and most likely begins medication for anxiety. It makes me want to cry, but I won't. This week we learn if Peach will have surgery on her eyes, or perhaps corrective lenses, or patches - or nothing. This week we will learn if Lambie is getting her tonsils out. The poor girl is talking funny, coughing all night long, hardly sleeping, has had strep (or strep like colds) for the last two months, and has been on antibiotics for 10 days... I wish I could help her. I know the relief that will come from the surgery, but I wish she didn't have to go through it. I am concerned with the timing and school starting up.

Do all three children have to have so much going on at once? Why can't they be orderly and take turns? You'd think they were ants on honey the way they are with health issues.

Oh yes, Wednesday. I'm going to Eugene for orientation at the UofO for classes, for me, starting in two months.

Weeks like this, I hold onto the stability I have in my life - all that is constant. I am thankful for it.

Pit Stop or Workout #6 for July

I have spent my entire day not wanting to write this. However, I have maintained my accountability, and intend to continue this honest journal of events. I wish it were more glamorous.

I dropped Bear off for Cub Scout Day Camp early this morning. Today would be a track day, but Lambie insisted that she would ride Bear's bike, since he was gone. After dropping off Bear, Lambie pulled out the bike, we did a little tune up, I contemplated my lack of tools in spite of my husband's profession, and we were on our way.

I told her the good news: I would just be running, so she could continuously ride her bike. I had lovely visions of today. I was running week 8 day 2 of Couch to 5K. I would run for 28 minutes, with a five minute warm up and cool down. I had pre-mapped a 2.75 mile goal. It was all terrific.

About a mile in, a pedal came off. NOT AGAIN. This happened last time she rode the bike! What is happening??? I put the pedal back on, easily forgiving the pause (I paused the timer and music), and we returned to running. It was only the beginning.

With each subsequent stop, I jogged in place when I could, and became really fast when replacing pedals or training wheels. I kept my mood light because with each stop, I thought of Luigi from "Cars" and his "Pit Stop!" Also, it helped that I'd already done a successful 28 minute run just three days prior. I knew I could do it.

Wednesday WILL be a track day. I'll bring bubbles. 38 minutes worth of bubbles.

Lambie helped me count... We lost pedal(s) five times, training wheels twice, and stopped for the port-a-john once, but technically twice, since the first one we encountered was missing TP, so we had to run 1/4 mile to the next one... Eight stops. Sigh.

It could have been a better day. I wished I could have a do-over (without bike issues), but that's what Wednesday is for. Tomorrow, I think we'll walk to the church and library. Lambie wants to drive her Barbie motorized Jeep. Heaven forbid that breaks down 2 miles from home.... I would not handle that well...

Reflecting back to the run today, I am glad I stayed patient and forgiving. I told Lambie she was balancing well with the training wheels off, and it made her want to try harder. And home was a sweet destination.

Before and After the Asperger's Diagnosis

This weekend I got to experience the feeling of being what Lambie now calls "The Big Mama Chicken" thanks to comparing a hen and her baby chicks (the hen doesn't like her babies messed with) at The Country Mouse's home today, to me.

This weekend, an elderly woman kept telling Bear to look at her when she's talking to him, and my heart broke a little, because I knew he was really listening since he wasn't allowing himself to be distracted by watching her face. I heard someone talk to him as though he was "slow", asking him if he understood what "milk" was and what it meant to "freeze" something. (The chances that the first person reads this is nil, the second, very very unlikely.) And others... Just writing it out makes my heart ache. I don't want my man cub treated differently. So I am going to tell you a little about my Bear, before, and after. Maybe it will help. Especially those of you who love him so dearly.

Before you knew he had Asperger's:
He was bright
He had a killer vocabulary
He was obsessed with Lego's
He was gentle and kind
He was kind of silly
He loved babies which was really sweet
He was safe and careful
He was honest
He chewed on his shirt
He cried easily
He liked hugs
He wasn't good at sports, but sure liked them
He loved math and being surrounded by friends
He liked frogs and snakes
He kept his room tidy
He loved making people laugh
He was a good swimmer, but not a thrill seeker
He was a smart kid
He wasn't a troublemaker
He understood you when you talked normal, at normal pace, unless it's figurative, and then...
He would ask you what words or phrases meant
He wouldn't look you in the eye when he was talking to you
He would have major tantrums, usually in the comforts of home
He would get overwhelmed and zone out
He would remember everything
He needed to have a predictable schedule
He needed to be coached ahead of time, when there was a social situation
He was not retarded
He had the most admirable integrity and loyalty

Now that you know he has Asperger's:
He is bright
He has a killer vocabulary
He is obsessed with Lego's
He is gentle and kind
He is kind of silly
He loves babies which is really sweet
He is safe and careful
He is honest
He chews on his shirt
He cries easily
He likes hugs
He isn't good at sports, but sure likes them
He loves math and being surrounded by friends
He likes frogs and snakes
He keeps his room tidy
He loves making people laugh
He is a good swimmer, but not a thrill seeker
He is a smart kid
He isn't a troublemaker
He understands you when you talk normal, at normal pace, unless it's figurative, and then...
He asks you what words or phrases mean
He won't look you in the eye when he is talking to you
He will have major tantrums, usually in the comforts of home
He will get overwhelmed and zone out
He will remember everything
He needs to have a predictable schedule
He needs to be coached ahead of time, when there is a social situation
He is not retarded
He has the most admirable integrity and loyalty


This is not directed at anyone, so do not worry. I just know that I have been guilty of treating a child differently when I learned of an Asperger's/Autism diagnosis, rather than getting to know the kid. So maybe it helps if I tell you what he's like... ???

Treat him like you always have... But if you want to help... guide him in social situations, and treat him with patience when he's "acting up", if you would... It's all I ask. He thinks he's like any other kid, and blends in well, and I want him to maintain that confidence. It could save his life someday.



Art: Look Me in the Eye by Green Rhapsody

My Old Fashioned Summer or Workout #5

I think the older I get the more I find we have the same types of experiences over and over and over and over again to learn from them, love them, recount precious memories, and teach them. I have noticed so much this summer that while I am lamenting the loss of the simpleness of my youth, in comparison to my children's, theirs is actually fairly simple too.

I know because of the situation they are in, it is not the easiest of childhoods, but I also know they have the same opportunities I did, for a simple, sweet childhood. Magic shows, puppet shows, walks to the park, homemade Popsicles, "big" trips to the coast, tents in the living room, library trips... It doesn't have to be big and contrived to be lovely.

My run today was Week 8, Day 1 of Couch to 5K. With week 8 you run 28 minutes without stopping, after a five minute warmup walk and flanked by a five minute cool down walk. I confess I was nervous. I had only run non-stop this last Wednesday and it took all I could to do that.

I started heading to the park, and toward the end of my warm up walk, there sat a young boy with his lemonade stand. "Ma'am, would you like some zucchini bread and lemonade?" I will be back to support the young entrepreneur! I know it's a big effort to get that organized, at his age. I remember...

The prompt came to run, and I did just that. I ran. I ran and ran. My legs started to hurt (specifically the backs of my legs, oy vey). I ran up the incline, and it wasn't as hard as it used to be. I made it to where the usual "halfway" prompt comes, and it didn't come. I wondered if I'd accidentally paused my program. I kept running. Today's run was both longer, and my pace was faster. I ran the entire loop of the park, and debated running its bigness again. I decided not to. I was afraid of frustrating myself. I exited the park, and decided to retrace some steps.

Sometimes it's good to do the things you've done before. Sometimes they are sweeter than you recall.

I ran the cul-de-sacs in the neighborhood. These were the same cul-de-sacs that I ran when I first started the program a couple of months ago. They were perfect for making the goals I needed to. Today I was essentially killing time. I didn't know how long my run was. Just that I needed to keep running. I stayed on the street, knowing the everyone still left things out on the sidewalk, including the big pile of rocks (I'm about ready to help spread the rocks). Each cul-de-sac seemed to pass by so quickly. It was good to retrace these steps of not so long ago, to see how much progress I've made. I loved it.

I ran back by the lemonade stand and the mother of the boy said, "Well done! Keep going!" Which was AMAZING. I had no idea how it would propel me. I ran past the stand, down another cul-de-sac, around the corner with the stop sign, down past my home, and then my cool down came.

When I plugged it into Map My Run I had gone 2.5 miles exactly. I am SO EXCITED. I'm excited to go faster. I'm excited to go farther.

A few months ago, I asked my friend, JN who just completed a half marathon and is as postpartum as I am, how long before she liked running. She said six weeks. I could do six weeks. Well, it's been ten weeks for me, and today, I like running. I think it's important for me to be able to run constantly. It has done amazing things for my psyche. I am excited for Monday, and Wednesday, and the next Friday. I am excited to be moving onward and upward.

I am glad that I have this chance in my life to do this. I have learned so much. I have overcome so much. More than most people realize. I am becoming myself because I wasn't afraid to try again after failing and failing and failing. I will fail again, but today I will remember to always try again.

The Lucky Penny or Workout #4 for July

This morning I woke up at a good time to go running nice and early, before temps started increasing. But my running partner, Miss Peach, was still sleeping... I called my therapist/sister ES to talk about college stuff that's stressing me out, and she brought me back to reality. It was good. After dilly dallying as long as I could, I decided to just wake the babe.

I forgot I broke my earbuds. ughhhhhhhhhh......

Today was week 7 day 3 of Couch to 5K, or the last chance to run 25 minutes without stopping. I had not yet been able to do this, whether it was a physical or a mental impasse. I wasn't sure of my ability, but I wanted to give it my all. I did my warm up, moving the location, to keep my run feeling "short".

I left thinking, "I will take a walk break after I return home." Which shortened to "I will take a break at the stop sign." And again "I will take a break at the halfway mark." Sigh...

I arrived at the park, the daunting incline before me. I decided I would run to the top and assess my feeling. I was fine, so I kept running. The halfway prompt came, and I ran right through it, not even tempted to stop. Shortly after, I wanted to stop. In my head I thought, "No! If I start now, I'll take breaks too often, and it doesn't do anything but frustrate me at the end." So I kept running. And with each desire to stop, I thought a simple "No." Or "It's not time yet."

By the time I left the park, and was heading home, I realized I wasn't going to stop at all, even though, while I didn't realize it, I probably still had seven minutes left, or more. Instead of stopping to walk, I would decrease my already snail's pace, to something probably slower than walking, but I kept "running". Naturally it returned to my set pace.

I didn't notice when I passed the stop sign. It was only when I was approaching home, I started saying "Uncle". I decided I would run to the end of the cul-de-sac and assess how I felt.

And then I saw it, a shiny penny.

Now, this might sound odd, but just Monday, my dad told me a story of a marathon runner who was trying out for the Olympics, and while he ran he always stopped to pick up coins. When the Olympic trials were happening, he saw 2 quarters off to the side. Stopping to pick them up cost him qualification to enter the Olympics.

I thought of this as I saw the penny. I could stop to pick it up, but it would require me to stop. I was so close to my goal. It's funny what the nagging voice in your head can try to convince you to do. I had to convince myself that the penny would still be there when I looped back around. And it was JUST A PENNY. It wasn't a $100 bill. haha. It was hard to run past, but I did, thinking of my dad's timely story. (Thank you, Dad!)

I got to the end of the cul-de-sac, frustrated there was not a "one minute left" prompt yet! And then it came. I was too tired to run harder that last minute, like I usually do, so I kept going at my current rate. And I finished. I ran 25 minutes. Straight. I have never run 25 minutes intentionally, before. As I once again approached the penny, I passed it by, needing to do my cooldown, in a much better mental state than I had been.

Upon completion of the workout and cooldown, I went back and picked up the penny. It wasn't as shiny as I thought it was. The year? 2007. The year I changed my life. The year I started reclaiming myself. I am where I am now because of choices I made that year. I was running today because of choices I made that year.

I think I'll keep the penny.

My First 5k - The Good, The Bad, and So On (Workout #2 for July)

Today I ran my first 5K. A few weeks ago, I lamented on Facebook how there was a 5K on the Fourth of July at the same time as my church's annual pancake breakfast. While I was not graduated from the Couch to 5K program, I would be in week 7, and wanted to see what I could do. My friend WB asked if there was a 5K an hour earlier, would I run it. Yes.

I owe WB a LOT of credit. He organized a 5K with only a few weeks to prepare. He mapped it out, recruited volunteers to be stationed along the route to guide runners, placed cones, came up with prizes, and supplied Gatorade, on his own dime. There were 35 runners. I am amazed and so thankful that he did this, and I was able to see how far I've come! Thank you WB!!! So much!!!

I was pretty nervous last night. For what I didn't know. I think I was afraid of looking like a fool. But, when I arrived, I didn't worry anymore. I just wanted to go go go.

Knowing I was not even remotely one of the faster runners, I hung back at the starting line and went at my own pace.

There were obstacles... Inclines I didn't know would be there, many roots breaking up through the concrete trail, making it a challenge to run with a jogging stroller, sweet wonderful racers who were walking and wanting to chat even if you wanted to keep running but didn't want to be rude, it was longer than anything I'd ever ran, thus far, I didn't know my route and got lost at one point which lead to a little um, cross country traversing with the stroller through bushes and trees... It was warm, but not terrible, and my allergies were in full force.

I was pretty frustrated at how much I walked. My run was peppered with little walks. Every time I slowed to walk, I just felt, well... like a failure. I was also running against/with 2 dozen seasoned runners who I am more or less friends with. I thought, "Who am I to think I'm even one of them?" and "What makes me think I even belong here?" (This is hard for me to confess my emotion, but I promised ES and KNBO'R that I would tell it like it was.)

I rounded a corner, and the volunteer, KC said, "Every time someone passes me I feel a year older." It made me laugh, and I realized how much younger I've felt since I started running two months ago.

I found myself on the street behind the start/finish point, and discovered how very close I was. I couldn't believe I'd come so far. I ran and ran and ran and ran. I imagined my friend KNBO'R standing at the corner saying "Come on Lissa. This is what we've been training for. I know you can do it." It is what she would have said, and I was encouraged to press on. After the race, I learned that in her town, 550 miles away, KNBO'R also ran 5K, although she's on 7.3 of Couch to 5K. She did it to run with me. I get teary when I think of it. What a sweet sacrifice, and precious effort. I will never forget it.

I probably got within an eighth of a mile and I smelled the pancakes being cooked at the church. I slowed to a walk, to prepare for a final run. And shortly, I ran again.

I ran into the parking lot, and was rewarded with an unanticipated feeling. I saw my husband's truck and a flood of joy filled me. I knew he was there waiting for me. I knew he was there cheering for me. At that point, there was no one else I'd rather see in the whole world. I forget sometimes exactly how much I love that man I see almost every (ordinary) day. At that moment I felt that overpowering feeling of gratitude and love for his support and encouragement, and it gave me great purpose.

I rounded the corner in the parking lot, and saw the crowd cheering for incoming runners. I saw The Captain, proud as can be. I was not stopping for anything. I was so exhilarated and excited.

And then I felt sick. And faint. NO!

I slowed to a walk, and walked for a little while. But I couldn't help myself. It was like I HAD to run. It was almost a physical need, because it was such a powerful emotional need. I started to jog, then run. I would say I sprinted, if you can do that after running three miles for the first time in your life. I ran my tired heart out, and made it across the finish line.

I felt sick to my stomach.

Thinking I was going to be sick, and not wanting to share with my friends, I doubled back quickly enough that my earphones The Captain was holding snapped in two, as I headed to the church building. I realized as I got closer, the feeling was fading as I walked. So The Captain walked with me, as I regained my composure. The good news is, I get to buy new earbuds. ;)

What followed surprised me. I felt...bummed. Embarrassed. Humiliated even. I saw the picture of me The Captain took, and I was frustrated at how I look.

You see, I'm a perfectionist. hahaha. hm. So... I was sad I didn't run the whole time. I was embarrassed that I even thought I could do it, or associate with people who did the same run in less than half the time. I felt like a joke. In the picture, I looked bad. There's no other word for it. Just bad. I wondered where the runner's high was. Where the sense of completion and success was. I was just forlorn about it all, and felt like it was a mental way to feel! What was my problem??? Was it an adrenaline crash? Lack of blood sugar?

I just couldn't get into the pancake breakfast that was held after the race. The Captain, sensing this, offered to go home. I was glad. I felt bad, but I was glad.

We had a nap, and talked for a while. Over the course of the day I began to realize that I've only been actually running for two months. Most of those people have been running for years. Some of them are just those people who are good at everything they do. This is new for me though. I have a way to go. My finish line was not the end. It was just a marker along my journey.

If I never run another race again, I'll be fine. I'm running for me. But if WB does this again next year, I'll do it again, and I'll be glad to see how much I've improved. After all, look how far I've come in such a short time. Another year and I'll feel like a runner.

For the record, my stats were: 26th of 35, time 44:30 (better than I thought! - Couch to 5k trains you to do it in 40, so I'm not far off, eh?) ‎12/18 females 3/3 by category. I don't know what my category was. Jogging stroller category?

What's next? Well, I finish my training. I put on my running shoes and try again. Wednesday is Week 7 Day 3 of Couch to 5K. I think I can do it. After all, I completed a 5K...

The Missing Captain or Workout #1 for July

I woke up this morning ready and rearing for a good run. I was so excited. It was going to be a warm day, so I woke up early, to beat the heat. I got dressed and ready to run, got Peach ready, went downstairs, and discovered my husband wasn't there.

I checked the garage, the yard, the restrooms, the rest of the house. I noticed his wallet was still at home, but his phone was missing. There was no note. I went outside and MY car was gone.

I tried calling his phone, but there was no answer. I thought maybe the grocery store...but he left coupons at home that he would have taken, and his wallet. I thought of several things, but nothing added up. I started to worry. I was up EARLY.

I thought about starting my run, since it would help pass the time, and keep me from obsessing since he was probably *fine*. But I remembered the jogging stroller was in the car! sigh...

After about an hour, hour and a half of playing with my Peach and coming mentally unglued, he walks in the door. He was playing tennis with friends, at the park. He thought he told me about it, but maybe not. I notified him that he was grounded *wink*, and after a justified "talk", Peach and I left 3 hours late for the run.

I noticed the day had already gotten warm, and it was more humid than I was prepared for. We set off, and at the time to run, I was excited. It felt natural, and I was ready for it. I was glad to be running, and I was enjoying myself. I made it to the park, looped it once without issue --imagining that the dog show going on was not a critical audience, but rather a cheering section-- and just into the second loop I started seeing stars.

Feeling like that was just silliness because I was barely over halfway through my run, I pressed on. I hardly remember the rest of the run. I know I slowed to a walk more than on Thursday, but not much more. I was just overwhelmed. I pushed myself through the last minute, did the cool down, making it home, or 2 1/2 miles (or so?).

I was frustrated that I didn't run the entirety, but I was almost out of my mind with exhaustion, that I didn't care much. I saw my neighbor (and church friend) KZ outside, prepping to leave. I knew I had to get her photo taken for a church project, so I grabbed my camera and walked over there, immediately. We talked for a little while, she asked me what my 4th of July plans were when it happened...

I wasn't hot anymore. In fact, I was cold. Really cold. Stars. Spinning. My stomach turned. I said to KZ, "It's Peach's birthday, so we're going to my parents and... I'm not feeling well. I need to go." Poor KZ. If you're reading this, KZ, I'm so sorry. I was either going to pass out on her front walk, or throw up. How awful.

I slogged back home, and collapsed on the bathroom floor.

When I got my wits about me, I managed to get to the sofa, where a shower of sweat ran from me. Every inch of me was covered in a significant amount of sweat.

Heat exhaustion? I'm not sure. Possible. It's easier to diagnose when you're not the one feeling it.

It took a good half gallon of water and an hour or so before I felt functional. I'm so thankful it wasn't worse. I'm so thankful no one had to clean up after me. I don't ever want to do that again.

From now on, I will prepare better if I have to run in heat. I will try to run earlier. I will listen better to my body cues.

Am I ready for Monday's 5K? Probably not. But I will give it my best. That is certain. I will likely come in last or near last, but I will more than likely be pleased at my ability, and for the hard work thus far.

Wish me luck!

2 Months In! - A Summary of Results Thus Far

I have not recently read my previous month-end report, so I really have no idea what format I should write in, to maintain consistency. I suppose I'll just tell it as it is.

This has been a frustrating month, but yet, a good month. I have enjoyed becoming leaner. I have enjoyed tremendous increase in strength, stamina, confidence, and ability! I can now run almost an entire 25 minutes without walk breaks, I can do more pushups than I have done in years, and my skin is happier. Ah...clear skin... I forget how exercise helps skin!

I had the pleasant surprise of putting on my pre-pregnancy capris and finding they fit BETTER than they did two years ago. You see, last summer I was entirely postpartum, so I hadn't even tried to put them on. I confess I was nervous! Every time I was postpartum, before, and tried donning the summer clothes, they did not fit. I'm pretty pleased! Plus, it's reassuring to know I won't have to wear my jeans all summer...

So why was it frustrating? I decided I would only weigh myself once per month, but a healthy part of the way through, I decided I would weigh myself, so that I might have more incentive to continue this madness. My discovery was that after about three weeks of much more intense exercise and mindful eating, I had lost 3/10 of a pound. I was so defeated and frustrated, but, I remembered what The Captain had said which was that I'm going the right direction, and eventually it would start working for me.

I decided to weigh myself "officially" today, for my month end report. I was delightfully surprised to see a five pound weight loss! In fact, I got off of the scale, reset it, and got on again, a few times! I don't honestly know how it happened, or where it went. I anticipate those missing five pounds could be found again the next time I'm on the scale, but I surely hope not.

As far as measurements, my waist and thigh(s) are only 1/2 an inch smaller, and the rest is the same. C'est la vie. I'm feeling better about me, and that's a gift. Truly.

I have decided I'm going to monitor my diet more closely this month, to see what it will bring. Now that exercise isn't nearly as mentally hard for me, watching what I eat will not feel like I'm totally killing myself. If I'd started both at the same time, I'm certain my body would go into shock, and freak out, and I'd quit.

So, yay for 11 1/2 total pounds lost. :) Let's see what July will bring!