Motivation or Workout #6 for June

<-- Do you like the picture? It's SKEERY.

Okay, the other day I expressed my lack of motivation. I petitioned my friends for ideas for motivation, and I was given GREAT responses. I realized though that I need my own, for me. I wish I had written them down when I first thought of it, when I started exercising.

I am going to write down what comes to mind, right now:

I want to feel like I look the way I do on purpose, without an apology.
I want more energy.
I want to look fit and hot before my parts start to drift.
I want my husband to see me as I looked in the years we missed out on each other.
I want to feel like I can do things again.
I want to have a sense of accomplishment.
I want to eat ice cream guilt-free.
I want to feel awake in the morning.
I want to be able to say "I am a runner".
I love runners physique, and would like to attain that.
I want my kids to remember me as someone active rather than as a lop.
I want my immune system to thank me.
Heck, I want the illness that haunts me to not stand a chance if it returns. I want my body to be strong enough, and THAT in itself is reason enough.
I want a little time to myself, where, for a moment, I am living for myself.
I want to not want to cry when I see a picture of me.
I want to answer that "yes I exercise regularly" when asked at the doctor's office.
I want to see if that "eat right and exercise" theory really works.
I still want a shirt that says "I was NOT a runner before May 2nd, 2011." I think in order to achieve rights to wear that, I need to at least finish Couch to 5k. If not more...

I guess that's it, for now. Maybe I need to come up with more every day? Maybe what motivated me that day?

Today I did the 100 Workout. It has become boring for me after 5 weeks. I decided today that if I could do all of it, without balking or pausing, I would switch to one of my exercise videos on my time off. Unfortunately, I got rid of my favorite video because it was VHS, and I was sure I could find it on DVD. Not so!

However, my BFF LC got me Slim in 6, so I suppose I will be starting that Thursday! Last time I tried to do it, the initial days kicked my booty. We'll see if my endurance and stamina is better now that I've been running for 5 weeks!

Yes my friends, it's time for a change. Time to re-evaulate, and energize! Time to motivate! But most of all, keep on keepin' on...

Do-Over Day or workout #5 for June

My sister, ES, convinced me to write this. She said it's very human.

Today I set off like usual, after the bus came, Peach and I headed out for our run. I was not into it. I have found that I am lacking a little motivation. I think I actually need to make a list of my motivations. It could help! I didn't realize I would need such a list to keep me going. At any rate, the first run came along, and I ran it. I was frustrated to see the pile of leaves is STILL in the sidewalk. I was relieved to see the basketball stand thing was moved, but their car was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk...

The second run, the next cul-de-sac STILL had a pile of rocks. The following cul-de-sac STILL had a tree that needed majorly trimmed. I was so frustrated with the obstacles, and just stopped. Fifteen minutes into my run, I turned around and headed toward home, frustrated, defeated, and generally cranky.

So far, during running, I have had numerous obstacles, and always found a way around them. Some were physical, some were mental. However, when the obstacles present are ones I encounter over and over again, and cannot do anything about, I get so frustrated. I realized as I was walking back home, two things: 1) I would be blogging about this, and while everyone would be polite and tell me it was fine, just try again Wednesday, it still is so sad to say I couldn't even try for 30 minutes. And 2) In life, if the same path doesn't work for you, and you encounter unrelenting obstacles, generally the wise choice would be to redirect your path, to choose a new road.

I reached the point where I start my running, after my warmup. I turned around again, backed up my program on my app, and started over, with run #1. I ran it. I didn't go down the cul-de-sacs at all, but instead went straight for the park. I ran #2, with a small walking break in the middle. I ran #3. I ran #4 and wanted to cry, and took about a 30 second walking break. I did my cool down, and went home. My 30 minute program took me 45 minutes. I did not bring my head or my heart. I was not proud of myself. I was not happy for what I'd just done.

But I did it.

I will be re-doing Week 4 Day 3's run for the third time on Wednesday. This time I will do it right, the whole time. But beforehand I am going to make a list of my motivations.

So there it is. What would motivate you to exercise daily with no end in sight?

Endorphins: My Drug of Choice or Workout #4 for June

Today at church I experienced weekly therapy. One of the best remedies for postpartum depression must be talking with lady-friends while you nurse your babes in the mother's lounge. This week's topic was losing your marbles.

Over the course of the conversation, one of the ladies suggested that perhaps her emotional struggles had been because she hadn't exercised in two weeks. That perhaps the endorphins keep you more mentally afloat than you realize. I absolutely needed that.

Saturday I ran Week 4 Day 3 of Couch to 5K. I did not do well. Actually, the first half was fine. The second half was like in the Neverending Story, letting The Nothing overcome me. I kept thinking how WB stated that running was as much physical as mental, and I could not get over the mental. I tried, and I fought, and I ran as much as I could, but my feet were made of cast iron, and my heart was just as heavy. The third run was difficult, but I did it, but the fourth run, with just over a minute left, I stopped. I didn't even try to hop back into a run. I just walked. And walked... I will be re-doing 4.3 Monday.

Over the course of Saturday I felt frustrated with life. I felt like I was going to be torturing myself for the rest of my life, trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I worried that I would never love it. It was pretty lousy! I contemplated not blogging, because who wants to think that halfway through a program they'll STILL want to give up?

What I realized from my mother's lounge therapy session was that the endorphins might actually be helping me. Where I felt so down and upset, it could have been worse had I NOT ran that day. I could still be wallowing into Sunday.

But I wasn't. I do feel like I can handle the obstacles before me. I feel like I will get through life by achieving a series of large and small goals. My mind feels clear and confident, and my only frustration is really only having to repeat 4.3. So I will. And I will reap the benefit, not of a do-over from a failed run- day, but rather another day of endorphins, which will help get me through, help me feel energetic and capable, help me feel beautiful, clear my head, and put a smile on my face. Endorphins have become my grace. I won't be giving up anytime soon because frankly, I'm hooked. Thank goodness it's healthy...

If I May Feel Sorry For Myself For Just One Day

Almost eleven years ago I found out that my daughter I was carrying in utero had died. I knew she died four days prior, but the moment I was told, when I knew for sure, when the words were spoken aloud, when there was no hope, I will always remember. I remember the image on the ultrasound machine. I remember the layout of the room. I remember the smell. I remember the way she told me. I remember her dark brown skin and thin face. I remember I had plans with KB that day. I remember that she held me and we both cried, no sobbed. I don't remember the drive home.

Today we received the 100% diagnosis that Bear has Asperger's. I know it is not the same as losing a child. Good heavens I know. Trust me. I know it can "always get worse". I know I'm lucky. I know he's a wonderful boy. I know the only way to go is up. I know it can only help. But if I could...

I would like permission to feel sorry for myself for just one day.

I would like to grieve all that will never be.

Yes, I knew he had it. But the moment I was told, when I knew for sure, when the words were spoken aloud, when there was no hope, I will always remember.. I will remember the way the doctor was standing when she told me. I will remember how Bear didn't look in her eyes as she talked with him about it, which means he's really listening. I will remember that she said I was handling the news great. I will remember every word she taught me. I will remember how optimistic Bear was to learn new things. I will remember how well I held it together. I will remember how I cried silently as I drove out of the parking lot. I will not remember the drive home.

And tomorrow I will wake up, renewed, aware of my purpose, knowing my path. I will not feel sorry for myself, but I will always remember today.

The Wisdom of the Ages

I have loved growing older and learning knew things. As I'm sure we've all heard before, the older I get, the more I realize I don't know. I've learned to turn to young children for their pure and simple wisdom. How is it that children have it so together, spiritually?

Yesterday, Lambie and I were making bread. Knowing Lambie, and how she loves everyone, and I mean, everyone, I asked her something that I've needed to work on for most of my life, especially since being jaded and hurt by the choices of others, beginning at a young age, and received the perfect answer. I hope to remember this every day--

"How do you love someone completely when they do something they shouldn't?"

She replied simply--

You just love them because it's how it's supposed to be. Their wrong choices don't mean that they are going to always do wrong, or that they want to do wrong. If they make wrong choices it doesn't mean that you have to make wrong choices too, just because you love them. If they want to know how I feel about their bad choices, I'll tell them. But you love them as though it never happened.


As she picked the sticky dough off of her fingers, I realized that I loved that girl enough to still give her a big ol' mama hug, sticky fingers and all. She didn't mean to get her fingers so doughy. But it's washable. Even if it takes time. I love that girl with dough on her fingers, as much as I love her with clean hands.

You just love them because it's how it's supposed to be.

Did It Say "Walk Now"? or Workout #2 for June

This morning I had the pleasure of having a running partner I haven't had yet. Bear had an appointment at 9am, so there was no point in going to school for an hour (yes, I talked with his teacher about it), so he was home for the morning. I knew that if I waited to work out, I would not want to go, but would anyway. So I might as well go when I want to go, right?

He was very excited to run with me today, which helped. It was week 4, run 2 (4.2) of Couch to 5k, so fairly intense, and halfway through the program! Ethan wanted his own iPod, so we put mine on the speaker, set it in front of us, and headed out, after the bus picked up Lambie. I explained to him how it worked and he was thrilled.

After the first run, he said that "it felt like nothing!" He kept meticulous track of how many walks and runs we'd done. And talked about them incessantly. It proved to be very hard to "space out". He would say, things like "Wow, this is getting tougher!", "I don't know how this gets you skinnier because I feel like the size of a bathtub! Thump thump thump! BIG HEAVY STEPS!", "My muscles are getting bigger! Look at my arms! They're bigger!", "Wow! Aren't you tired?", "Look, they already sold their house! Good for them!", "I'll race you to the stop sign!", "I'm starting to get sweaty. I only do that in REAL sports.", "Look how sweaty you are!", "This says we have 3 minutes left to run. You're already tired, and you've only ran 2 minutes for this time."... and so forth.

Constant.

But it was fun. I didn't do the runs very well. I discovered that I should NOT watch the time tick down. It makes me focus on the seconds ticking by, rather than my progression. Plus, I was a weeee bit overstimulated, but I am confident for Saturday's run, 4.3, that I will be able to do it. We shall see, of course.

The best part of having Bear along is that he is very very intense about rule following. At one very brief moment, I slowed to a walk, and he said, "What are you doing? Did it say 'Walk now'? I didn't hear 'Walk now'." Of course I had to run. The whole time. Every time.

I love that he didn't get hurt. I love that he didn't complain about being tired, or the rain. I even love that he wanted me to remain accountable. What I loved most was him flexing his tiny biceps for me while I cooked dinner, so I could see his new muscles he got from running.

1 Month In - Reporting!

Alrighty! Are you ready to learn if this month of self-inflicted torture has done any good for me?

Remember a couple of weeks ago, I gained FIVE POUNDS (it has to forever be in caps.)? Well, I lost that, and then some. I am 1.5 pounds below my original weight, or 6.5 pounds below my peak weight. Yes, I lost 6.5 pounds of FAT. Heck yes. And yet, how gross that I had that much fat on my body to lose... the thought that I have plenty more.... ew.

As far as inches... I love this part. I have seen happy results. Since I have goals with this, I'm going to give percentages. For my hips (booty), I'm 10% toward my goal. My chest (which fluctuates while I'm nursing I know) is 12.5% toward my goal. My waist is 9% toward my goal. My thighs measured larger somehow (???), and I'm 15% going the wrong direction. I'm confused, but as I've learned from this experience, it will redirect its course, and go the right way soon enough. And last, my upper arms are 9% toward my goal.

I am pleased. This has been rough, but awesome. I have felt better about my fitness level since maybe high school. Maybe ever. I'm excited to keep it up... Even though I'm killer sore from yesterday's run, and the 100 Workout today didn't help.

Tomorrow I run again.

Over the course of the month, I will be near the end of Couch to 5K, and who knows how much closer to my size goals...???

Thanks for sticking with me and cheering me on here and on Facebook. It has helped more than you can imagine.