I Never Saw Myself as a Hurdler

Day 1 of 24. I'm blogging it, so apparently that means it's going to happen. And you lucky folk, you get to read about it. My friend, MC, has started doing a monthly workout goal. For April it was 22/30 days. May is 24/31. I energetically said I would join her. Part of my brain shouts "Are you CRAZY?!", while the other part of my brain says, "This is what you need!"

The battle between the angel and devil on my shoulders became almost deafening.

I rarely cry at movies anymore, I rarely cry when I'm in an argument, anymore. I didn't even cry when I burnt all goodness out of my thumb (future blog. oh goodie.). But the other day, The Captain wanted to get me a shirt, because I have few clothes, and I cried right there in the middle of the store because of how I look. I do not look *bad*, but do not think I'm vain. Somewhere in the last ten years I have relinquished control of my body.

I used to play baseball. I used to play basketball. I used to do 100 pushups a day and have a six pack. My brother and I used to mess with my thigh muscles at my knee line while we were not paying attention at church.

I have had four babies. While it's not an excuse, it is an excuse. You hand over control of your body, your metabolism, your energy to baby making and milk producing. It has been a precious gift to be able to have sweet children, and nourish their infant bodies, but it comes at a price. A price I was willing to pay.

I have come to claim my body back! Yes, it's only day 1. But I DID day 1! I completed it! The workout is in the picture, and for someone who hasn't worked out hardcore for a couple of years, this was intense.

My body jiggled more than I'd like while I did jumping jacks. My exercise induced asthma lead to wheezing twice during. I realized that counting up made it easy to think "I've done 85 jumping jacks. Isn't that enough?", so I had to count down. My knees hurt. My sinuses got grouchy. I sweated like a pig. I felt it was unfair. I felt it was impossible. I felt like I should have cut the exercise in half. I felt I should stop early. My baby was underfoot because her nap was shorter than normal. I didn't know how I was going to do it.

I did it.

All of it.

Black Eyed Peas radio on Pandora, my babe baby-bounced to the beat almost the entire time, and smiled at me. I pretended she was cheering me on. I pretended this was one day of teaching healthy habits. By the time I got to 20 jumping jacks, I was smiling. I was doing it. I was going to do it! I felt taller. I felt thinner. I know I'm not. But I felt like I had righted my course, and found the path that led to fitness and self-esteem. Tomorrow is going to hurt, and I will need to exercise to get out the toxins. My confidence is greater than it was yesterday. And if that's the only good that comes of it, that's enough.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up, put on my jogging suit, and do it again. I will conquer my mental and physical hurdles, and I will come out smiling in the end.

Today was taking ownership of my life. I am reclaiming my body.